There, my big secret is out. I have told you my deep dark secret. I like to hug, poke, tickle, cuddle and otherwise accost my family and friends, and if I am dating someone then you can add grope, kiss, massage and otherwise molest to the list. And actually the truth is that sex is secondary to me in a relationship, just because I'm getting touchy-feely with someone doesn't mean I need follow through.
It is unfortunate for me that my family and friends are mostly not the hugging kind of people. I give my parent's and sister hugs and kisses and mostly they just accept them (or in my sister's case, accept them and look at me like I'm crazy), but fail to return them because it's just not important to them. The only friend I had in high school who was similar to me was my friend Cindy, we hugged, held hands and generally draped ourselves over each other senior year of high school...which led to a few rumors about us which had no truth in reality, but high school boys have VERY active imaginations. In anycase, Cindy and I are still friends, but she lives in another state now, which makes hugging and cuddling a bit difficult.
Most of my other friends aren't big on hugging for various reasons. I had one good friend last year at college, my very sweet (and very gay) friend Chris could always be counted on to allow quite a bit of cuddling, but I live on the other side of town and don't talk to him much anymore. My surrogate little brother, Juan, is okay with hugging in general (when saying bye after a visit or similar things) but he also has a girlfriend and saves most of the cuddling for her, which I totally understand. One of my other very close friends, who reads this blog, started out knowing me in a capacity where hugging would have been VERY inappropriate and that, almost, fear of touching seems to have carried over to our current friendship.Other than I have very few other friends that I see very often. I have various friends that I am very close to who would probably not mind the cuddling, but they, unfortunately, live in other states.
I, unlike many of my friends, seem to uniquely love sleeping a bed with another person. Some of the most restful nights of sleep that I can remember having were when I was dating my girlfriend and I was staying over at her place. I usually toss and turn and end up sleeping in every position imaginable every night, but when I'm in a bed with another person I can sleep in pretty much one position and actually sleep soundly.
Of course the opposite is also true, on the few nights that I and my girlfriend went to bed angry with one another for any reason I slept terribly. This would be because we would lay stiff as boards on opposite sides of the bed and never touch each other. I wouldn't be able to sleep because I was terrified I would roll over in my sleep and touch her and make her angrier than she already was, which is all rather hilarious now that I think back on it.
Also, unlike the relationships of many of my friends in my age group, sex was generally of secondary importance. Sure, it was nice if we were in the mood, but just being together and cuddling (which is just a very difficult word to say with a straight face...) was the best part of being in a relationship in my mind.
Anyway, that's my deep dark secret...that was never really a secret at all....
Man my blog is getting so boring, who wants to read this shit anyway?
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Okay...so I know people outside of my fandom friends and acquaintances read this blog. I have at least one friend who is male, straight and a bit of a fanboy, but not quite in the same way that I am a fangirl. So for those of you who could care less about fandom and fanfiction of the slash variety, this is likely not the post for you. Those of you who are interested....read on.
For those of you not in the know.
Slash fanfiction: fiction written by fans of a book/tv show/move/video game/anime that put two male characters in a romantic and/or sexual relationship. (The characters may or may not have been in a relationship in the published work). Examples of this would be Harry/Draco (Harry Potter), Dean/Castiel (Supernatural), Cloud/Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII), Holmes/Watson (Sherlock Holmes), House/Wilson (House), Jack/Ianto (Torchwood, also one of the few Canon slash couples) and and many many more.
The opposite of this is Femslash, which uses female characters. Then of course there is Het, which is exactly what it sounds like.
These stories can be romantic, cute, silly, sad or erotic in nature.
This type of fiction became very popular during the age of the original Star Trek series. Fanzines (Fanmade magazines) were published and the slash pairing of Kirk/Spock was ridiculously popular. This was before my time, but I've researched the topic quite a bit. I wouldn't go so far as to say this was the first slash pairing, but it was certainly one of the first that had a fandom willing to spread the stories from one person to another in a network that would later become the force behind fanfiction archives like fanfiction.net, MediaMiner, and many other smaller archives devoted to single shows, movies, and videogames.
I write fanfiction, it's one of the many forms of self expression that I find useful in my life. Sometime writing an original character is too taxing, creating a cast of characters from scratch is HARD and when you just want to play around and write something silly, sexy or sad it can be liberating to write a story with characters that are already established.
I don't share my fanfiction with my previously mentioned male, straight friend who is also a writer. I'd be a little embarrassed to honestly, not that it's bad writing, I think it's rather good...but I don't think he would want to read it. Luckily I do have internet fans and friends who love my work and let me know.
The other night I was talking to my BFF, Zena, and we started talking about why we read and wrote so much slash and eventually we came to an agreement on why.
We, women that is, are fascinated by gay males and gay sex.
Because it's the ONLY kind of sex we will never be able to have.
I'm attracted to both sexes (previous posts will allow you to realize why I only date/have sex with women) and theoretically a woman can sleep with a man or woman no matter what her sexual preference. That's not to say that a lesbian will choose to have sex with a man or a straight-laced heterosexual woman will decide to experiment, but in theory she knows that she could experience that form of sex if she wanted to.
Gay male sex we will NEVER experience and that is why women in fandom are so attracted to reading and writing slash fiction.
It's a challenge as well. How does one write about sex between two men when you have no first hand experience? With great difficulty, is the answer to that question. I know that from experience.
On a good day I can pound out 3,000 words of fic in a couple of hours. One week I spend countless hours writing and re-writing the same 4,000 word fic over and over because the sex scene (the only one I had ever written...and the only one I have written to date) was so difficult to describe.
I think our idea of why we hold this fascination holds water, though it may not be airtight. For one thing, I've known VERY few gay male fanfiction writers who write slash (actually I've known very few gay male fanfiction writers at all...) and the one thing that most heterosexual males share a fascination for....lesbian sex. Though this is often not in fiction form, but that is understandable since men are more aroused by the visual and woman to the intellectual and written word.
(Note to previously mentioned friend: I'm only generalizing! In general you know this is true.)
Also, from my own experience (and that of Zena) I do not read Femslash as a general rule. I read it if a friend recommends a good fic. Similarly, neither I, nor Zena, read Het fic...and personally I am much less likely to read a fic that is recommended to me if it only contains Het. Why would I want to read about something I could do myself?
Anyway, this may not come as a shock or a brilliant piece of information to those of you reading this. I just felt the need to share my revelation, because I've been self-reflecting a lot and trying to figure out what makes me tic and this is just one of those things that has troubled me in the past.