Friday, June 04, 2010

Swimming and coming out

I work a 40 hour job. 10 hours a day, 4 days a week I sit in a 5'x8' box and charge people going out of a parking garage. It's a ridiculously easy job, I probably only do 3 hours worth of work and I sit around listening to music, watching videos on my laptop, reading and writing. It's the perfect job for an anti-social gal like me.

The problem with this job then?

I sit still for 10 hours a day! I don't even leave for lunch, I take short bathroom breaks and eat in the booth! I don't get exercise at all at work.

Luckily my family's apartment complex has an outdoor pool that's open 24 hours a day and in Southern Arizona, any day is a good day for swimming outside. So I try to go everyday after work (and at least a couple of times during my 3-day weekend) and swim laps. I have to choose times when kids aren't swimming (late night swimming is great!) and I swim back and forth till my legs feel like jello and I have to walk back to the apartment and collapse into sleep.


Today after work I was tired, but it was that nasty kind of tired that you get from being lazy all day. So I ignored it, put on my swimsuit and trekked to the pool. My mother decided to go with me to get some fresh air and ended up on the phone for most of the time I was swimming. When I finally got out we sat and talked for a while and on our way back I realized something.

A couple of years ago I would have carefully changed the names and pronouns related to my the significant other's of friends. I have gay friends, big whoop right? I mean they aren't all gay, but quite a few are and I didn't want my mother to know that, like it would implicated my own homosexuality just because I had friends who are gay. This evening I refused to do that. I mentioned Brittany's girlfriend, Chris' boyfriend and the girl that my friend Kristen likes. I didn't use the pronoun "they" once or change a "he" to a "she" or vice versa. I guess...I just got tired of pretending.

I shouldn't have to pretend! This is my mother for fuck's sake, I shouldn't have to pretend with her. She should love me and support me no matter what!

It's not as if I want to rub her nose in the fact that I'm a lesbian. However, it would be nice to be able to talk about wanting to date and actually say I want to meet a girl. I want to be able to talk to her about the woman I will eventually date. I want to be able to tell her the truth about going to meetings at the local LGBT community center.

I don't want to have to lie to her!
I got in the shower when I got back from the pool and cried about this! I am so done with the lies and the half-truths and the pronoun switching.

So here's the deal guys. I'm moving in 3 months or so, anyone who reads my blog regularly already knows this.

At one time I intended to wait to tell my parents about my sexuality after college, but at this point I don't know when I'll be going to college.

At one time I intended to only tell my parents about my sexuality if I found a woman I wanted to be with. If I found a man I would leave it alone, but realistically I know I that there is a 99% chance that I will never want a man, though I am attracted to men. (That's related to a different issue, which I'll post about eventually).

Now I'm just so done, it's over. I won't lie anymore.

I'm planning to tell my parents I'm moving about a month before I leave. I don't want to deal with them trying to talk me out of it for longer than that.
When I leave, right before or right after, I am going to tell my parents. If they decide not to talk to me ever again, then that is their loss, but I refuse to lie anymore.

I want to be able to call them and talk about my life and not lie about where I go, who I talk to, or who I sleep with.

If they still want me after I tell them then I've got what I want.

If they don't want me then I've lost them, but gained the freedom of no longer lying. Plus the fact that I'll have my new BFF with me to keep me sane.

Coming out, this isn't when I planned to do it, but it's time for a change.