Saturday, April 17, 2010

Woke up this morning and something occurred to me.

When I was in high school I had this dream of owning a coffee shop/book store/bar in the evenings and somehow that dream got pushed aside by my burning need to attend college...

I'm beginning to see that I do have other dreams and goals, but college was so big that it got in the way of seeing them most of the time.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Much happier today!

Okay, so I am much happier today.

The other day when I posted I was freaking out over the cost of college and then I got pissed that they have the nerve to charge so much.
My mom managed to calm me down and we crunched the numbers to see if my family could budget it so they could pay off the part of tuition that would have been covered by loans by using a payment plan.

My mom came to the conclusion that they could, but I just couldn't make them do that. We have enough money trouble as it is without them throwing over a $1000 a month toward my tuition bill.

So I've made a decision, it's an important one and I would like to thank a friend on Livejournal, Memnoch, for giving me the idea to try a different route to what I want.

I was having a random conversation with my dad tonight, which is a common occurrence and because of a series of events somehow we started talking about bar tending. From there I found myself researching bar tending schools and pay rates and now!


I am going to enroll in a bar tending school in June, once my family has moved to the other side of town and I've completed the two classes I'm in at Community College.

Bar tending classes only take about 2 weeks and cost about $300-$400. Then I get my certification and the school will help me find a job. Bartenders, with salary and tips, in this area make about $100-$300 a night. That's more than I could manage in almost a week some places.

It's strange, college has been the main thing for me ever since I started Junior high. I always had it on the front burner, watching it cook, like watching paint dry everyday for 6 years.

Suddenly I find myself putting college on the backburner and letting is simmer and I've never felt more happy or free than I do at this moment. It's an amazing feeling, I can't remember the last time I just didn't care about college or how I would pay for it or what I would major in.

I still want to go to college eventually, but this time could be what I need to make sure I don't make a mistake in what I major in and make sure I don't have piles of debt.

Here's to realizing that the fastest way between two point is always a straight line, but sometimes the best way is the one that meanders around a little bit and stops to smell the flowers and listen to the birds.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Not sure what to do anymore...

I'm just so tired of fighting for what I want when no one is willing to give me a leg up and help me get where I want to be. I try and try, but I can't do it all alone and no one else really cares if I fail or succeed.

I had one dream, for 3 years. Every time I thought about my future, about college, I dreamt of New York skylines and Central Park and Subway lines. It was the thing that kept me going, because New York was my dream. It didn't matter what I had to do, I was going to go there.

And then.

I got accepted to Pratt Institute after agonizing for weeks over application essays and writing portfolios. I was so happy, I was going to do what I'd dreamed about for years.

And then.

Reality kicked in. Tuition and room and board and all the other fees added up to a hefty sum of 51,000 (maybe a few hundred dollars more) and the 10,000 scholarship I got from the school started looking awfully small and insignificant. I knew I just needed to wait for Financial Aid to send me my package of awards and I was sure things would be fine. Then I got the package. They wanted me to get 25,000 in PLUS loans (which my parents don't have the credit for) and when I asked my Financial Aid adviser what we could do about that he told me that I would have to get a private loan. I don't have the credit for that obviously and I don't have anyone that I can ask to co-sign for a loan of that size.

I don't even know if my dream is worth all the pain and heart attack it's been causing me ever since reality pressed into the idealistic dreamscape I had painted for myself. I think I've shed more tears over this one dream in the past month, had more sleepless nights over this one thing than I ever had in high school and if you knew me in high school you would know what a serious statement that it.

I can't have my dream and when I think of applying at NAU or some other state university here in Arizona I physically hurt and can't stop crying, because you're supposed to get your dreams right? I always thought that if I tried hard enough I could have anything I wanted, I could succeed. That's what my teachers said, what my parents told me was true.

I've found that, like a lot of things my teachers and parents have told me, getting your dreams rarely happens. Saying if you work hard you'll be rewarded it just so much bullshit along with telling you that anyone can fall in love and money isn't everything. It's all bullshit! And I can't stop crying even when I'm looking over NAU's admission requirements, because this isn't what I wanted. It's never been what I wanted, but I guess getting what you want doesn't happen. If it happened then people would be happy and that just won't do.