Saturday, March 20, 2010

I knew that was a bad idea.

So I got to talking with my brother's girlfriend tonight. (yes he has a girlfriend, wipe that shocked expression off your face.) We were talking about past relationships, which started out with her talking about what a douche-bag her previous boyfriend was and that entailed the telling of several hilarious, yet mildly disturbing stories of crazy shit he had done while they were dating and since they've broken up. This was all well and good, but eventually the conversation made it talking about Holly and the how's and why's of why we broke up.

I was honestly surprised to find out how much I was still angry about her calling me "immature" and saying I needed to grow up before having another relationship. I was fairly certain I had gotten over the whole situation, but talking about it just made me realize I still had issues with that statement.
The thing is, I broke up with her for a myriad of reasons, but the main one was that both of us have directions that we want to take in life. If our relationship had continued, one of us would have felt the need to squash our own dreams and goals so that the other could get what they wanted. The immature thing to do would have been to pretend that the situation could end with anything, but a lot of built up resentment between us.

The unfortunate thing is that we never really had any problems before that revelation. We had a lot of fun together and things were just so good most of the time, any issues we had could have been worked out over time. Why a relationship that could have been so good had to end so badly, I don't think I'll ever know.

I just wish I didn't still feel angry about the way she reacted, I understand that she was angry, but she never stopped to consider that maybe this was just as hard for me as it was for her. I had to struggle for days to finally bring myself to the point of making the decision to break up and given more time I might have actually given up what I wanted just to be with her. I know later I would have resented her for it, but I would have done it just the same.

Anyway, I hope that by typing this out I'll finally be able to finish with my feelings of loss, anger and all the other shit I've been feeling off an on for months. It's not healthy to keep feeling this way, it needs to stop.