Saturday, January 16, 2010

The glass is half full

So breaking up sucks, I know this for a fact. I probably don't have the right to feel bad since I did the breaking up, but I still do.

The thing is...I can't mope around forever. I'm gonna try to be optimistic about things now.

I managed to write what I think is a pretty good application essay for my college application. I'm waiting to see what a friend of mine thinks of it, possibly my mom as well. I'm working on putting together some work for my writing portfolio. I only a few more days to get everything done and sent into the college before the deadline. I'm really excited and I'm feeling really good about being accepted at the college. It's going to be such a big change for me if I get an acceptance letter. Of course there is still the matter of finding a way to pay for my tuition, which is outrageously high, but totally worth. Not just because it's a good and well known school, but also because it's IN NEW YORK CITY!

Finally, I'll be living where I've wanted to live for years.

Friday, January 15, 2010

so

I'm not making a big deal out of this, I've bothered everyone with my angst quite enough on this blog as it is.
I just broke up.
I'm a jerk, I have zero interest in dating ever again (or at least the foreseeable future), I don't even know that I would deserve to date anyone again.

I honestly had several reasons for breaking up, I had it all rationalized in my head. Those reasons still apply, but I was an emotional mess during the phone call that ended it and I didn't get to say many of those things. Not that it would have helped her feel any better about what happened, wouldn't have helped me either I'm sure.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I remember...

This one time, my older brother decided to sign up for Eharmony. It was free and he was bored and single. I was probably 15 or 16 at the time. I remember his frustrated, yet amused comment the next time I asked about it and he told me that after filling out the whole profile he had been told he was too "emotionally unstable to be paired with anyone at that time" or something along those lines.

Sometimes I wonder if that particular problem isn't genetic.

I think I'm too unstable to support real relationships, I just end up hurting the people around me and, inevitably, hurting myself as well in the end.

Y'see, the thing is...I know exactly what I want for my future, or at least I'm 80% certain at the moment. Which is really good for me, just ask anyone who's known me for any length of time. I'm continuously changing what I want, but a good portion of the time I was doing that changing in an effort to make everyone around me happy. This new direction, it's what I want, but there is this tugging back and forth that is going on. I know what I want and I know (partially) what she wants and those two ideas don't sync.

I hate making decisions, ask anyone who knows me, but decisions about relationships are the worst. I was told by a friend that I have to go after what I want in life and that if the person I care about doesn't want the same things that I have to be willing to choose what's most important to me. I know what's most important to me and that's the problem, I feel like the world's biggest jerk because college and a career shouldn't weigh in over a person in the grand scheme of things, but they do for me right now.

I don't think I have the right to have a relationship anymore...

Monday, January 11, 2010

Have you ever...

had one of those moments where your brain suddenly wakes up and you ask yourself what the hell you've been doing?

I hate the way I'm feeling right now, like the most horrible person on the planet. At the same time, I'm horribly relieved and it's like a mountain of stress just lifted off of me.

Yeah...not much of a post. I just had to get that out there.