I walked up three flights of stairs tonight, from my 3rd floor apartment to the balcony on the 6th floor. It was 10:30 at night and I had only left my apartment intending to dump my garbage down the trash chute before doing my dishes. The warm night air, the smell of exhaust fumes and the shining city lights convinced me to make the detour.
I stood out over the glittering expanse of the downtown Phoenix. A fire engine from the station down the block roared to life and sped down the street. For a moment the level of noise was maddening, before the sirens slowly faded out into the distance.
I took a deep breath...and promptly began to cough on a mixture of dust, exhaust and sand that filled the air of my desert city home.
I looked out at the lights, the tall business towers with their names spelled out in 50 foot letters. I looked at the steeple of the church next door, lit up by a floodlight.
I took all of this in and thought 'this is a beautiful city. I have a good job and I nice apartment. Why isn't this enough? Why do I need to move to New York? It's just a silly dream and all my family and friends are here in this city.' "Why isn't this enough!" I half shouted into the noise polluted night.
Then I thought of my very nice, very empty apartment three floors down. It's so lonely there. I start to hum a song I was listening to while cooking dinner for one, again, that night.
I rent a room and I fill the spaces with/Wood in places to make it feel like home/But all I feel's alone
It's enough to make you cry really. For all the picture's I hang and all the furniture I buy, all the dishes I wash, all the garbage I take out, all the laundry I do, all the meals I cook. These rooms still don't feel like home.
No matter what I do there is still something missing. I love my privacy, but I hate the quiet. I love the space, but I miss the happy mess of family. I want to be an adult, but I miss my mother packing my lunch and waking me for school.
Everything is just a little off. I feel like I'm just one inch shy of everyone else's reality. If I could just shift a bit things would be easier.
For two nights my apartment was filled with laughter and happiness and life and it reminded me of what I've been missing. I took my best friend back to her university this morning and I came back from running mundane errands to find myself alone again.
My best friend just celebrated two years of dating my(sort of) little brother (it's a long story). Maybe that was what started this train of thought, because I realized today that one of the biggest things I was missing was love. Or...not so much missing it as pining for it. You see, I do love someone, but she can never know because she couldn't return those feelings and friendship is better than nothing at all.
So, you see, I have to keep moving on. I need to find a bigger, better, more distracting place where maybe I can find someone who can meausure up to her, because if I don't I'll keep this gaping hole in my chest open and I'll keep finding myself in rooms full of furniture that mean nothing to me because my heart's not in them. My heart's flown away, it flew away the first time we talked and until the day I move on I'll be smiling and saying I'm fine in a one room apartment that is filled to the brim with...nothing.