Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Yet more psychological disorders to add to my resume...

All of this is sort of TMI for many of you I suppose, but I needed to get it off my chest because I was absolutely terrified of myself today. I also want those of you who are my friends to know that when this sort of thing's not you I'm angry at.

Now, you have to understand that I'm not big on doctor visits (partly because I have no insurance and I don't make a lot of money) and so I have never been diagnosed by a doctor, but I'm pretty handy with the DSM and I recognize the symptoms of bipolar disorder, which I know makes me more likely to have PMDD.

I've always been extremely irritable before my period and during. I sometimes snap at people for nothing and I seem to be in a perpetually black mood for days on end. Some days I'm extremely depressed and most of the days I have horrible insomnia, the kind of thing where you lay awake in bed for hours just thinking about all the mistakes and missed opportunities I've had. It's terrible and makes my life a living hell for a week out of every month.

Today was one of my worst episodes to date. On occasion I have gotten very angry with my sister or parents, but usually I get over it quickly. Today while at work (luckily I have a job where I have very little contact with people) I began to get more and more angry. It was a level of anger I have NEVER experienced before. I felt like I wanted to kill someone and for absolutely no reason at all, very little of anything annoying had happened that day at work. Before my ride home got there I was muttering to myself, yelling at inanimate objects and nearly inflicting property and physical damage. I literally have bruises on my arms and hands from punching walls in my office and slamming against windows.

The first thing I did when I got in the car with my dad (and when I got home and my sister was there) was to tell them that I literally could not control my actions and they needed to think before speaking to me, because I felt like I was not in control of myself. I felt like something was inside me, possessing me and causing this to happen.
It was one of the most frightening things that has ever happened to me.

Once I got home I got in the shower and ended up sobbing at one moment and bruising myself by punching the tiles.

Now I'm okay, but wondering if I should even go to work tomorrow. If I have another fit like I had today I honestly worry for my safety and the safety of my costumers. If someone even mildly annoys me I feel like I might throttle them.

Of course when I got home I began searching online for a way to explain what happened. All of my symptoms fit perfectly with those of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder ( or PMDD). I'm hoping to have the money for a doctor's visit in the future to find out what kind of treatments there are for this. Hopefully I can find something to stop this from happening.
Lord knows I have enough problems without adding another issue to my already screwed up head.

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