Friday, May 07, 2010

Getting out of a rut

Most of my life, my school years that is, were spent in following The Plan. While many of my friends were sneaking out to parties and dating and ducking responsibility I was studying late and working and helping with school events to pad my college resume. Going to a good college was The Plan. Going there with a lot of scholarships was part of The Plan. For a long time I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I finally decided on writing and decided on a college and I got in!

I was so excited and I felt validated. Any writer will tell you that they are self-conscious about their writing and unless someone like an editor or school tells them they are good enough they will always feel inadequate. (Except possibly those authors that have inflated egos, but that's another story and doesn't apply to me at ALL).

I was depressed for a while and extremely stressed when I realized I couldn't afford college. That wasn't part of The Plan and I didn't know what to do next. Then I realized that I could do ANYTHING that I wanted now. I was throwing The Plan out the window and it felt GOOD. Unbelievably good, in a way I haven't felt in years. Since before I started to concentrate on The Plan.

I decided to go to Bartending school, which I'm still going to do. I still felt a little...trapped. I feel so stress free now, but I also realized that I had never been one to do anything crazy at all in my life. The truth is that I would never be able to do anything TO crazy, but some drastic decision making on my part could be interesting.

Then the perfect opportunity to do something crazy and get out of this rut I'm in appeared. I really really really needed to get out of this state. I get this itchy feeling and I need to be GONE! When I was in high school I didn't have the luxury of doing that (still don't, actually, until I get a job and save some money), but once I have some money I will be able to do that, but I wasn't sure where I should go.

Then my friend who lives in Alabama asked me if I would be her roommate. She and I had been joking about the idea for a while, but when her mother began planning to move out and she needed someone to help pay the bills, she asked again. Much to my initial surprise, I found myself actually considering the idea and now I've finally decided.

In a few months I'll be living in Alabama with my friend. I'm really looking forward to this change of pace and it helps that this friend is completely awesome and I think being her roommate will be extremely fun. This is a drastic change, but I think it's what I need. I need things to be different and I need to feel like I'm in control of my life for the first time. Even if this plan fails spectacularly, at least I'm failing on my terms.

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