Thursday, April 15, 2010

Not sure what to do anymore...

I'm just so tired of fighting for what I want when no one is willing to give me a leg up and help me get where I want to be. I try and try, but I can't do it all alone and no one else really cares if I fail or succeed.

I had one dream, for 3 years. Every time I thought about my future, about college, I dreamt of New York skylines and Central Park and Subway lines. It was the thing that kept me going, because New York was my dream. It didn't matter what I had to do, I was going to go there.

And then.

I got accepted to Pratt Institute after agonizing for weeks over application essays and writing portfolios. I was so happy, I was going to do what I'd dreamed about for years.

And then.

Reality kicked in. Tuition and room and board and all the other fees added up to a hefty sum of 51,000 (maybe a few hundred dollars more) and the 10,000 scholarship I got from the school started looking awfully small and insignificant. I knew I just needed to wait for Financial Aid to send me my package of awards and I was sure things would be fine. Then I got the package. They wanted me to get 25,000 in PLUS loans (which my parents don't have the credit for) and when I asked my Financial Aid adviser what we could do about that he told me that I would have to get a private loan. I don't have the credit for that obviously and I don't have anyone that I can ask to co-sign for a loan of that size.

I don't even know if my dream is worth all the pain and heart attack it's been causing me ever since reality pressed into the idealistic dreamscape I had painted for myself. I think I've shed more tears over this one dream in the past month, had more sleepless nights over this one thing than I ever had in high school and if you knew me in high school you would know what a serious statement that it.

I can't have my dream and when I think of applying at NAU or some other state university here in Arizona I physically hurt and can't stop crying, because you're supposed to get your dreams right? I always thought that if I tried hard enough I could have anything I wanted, I could succeed. That's what my teachers said, what my parents told me was true.

I've found that, like a lot of things my teachers and parents have told me, getting your dreams rarely happens. Saying if you work hard you'll be rewarded it just so much bullshit along with telling you that anyone can fall in love and money isn't everything. It's all bullshit! And I can't stop crying even when I'm looking over NAU's admission requirements, because this isn't what I wanted. It's never been what I wanted, but I guess getting what you want doesn't happen. If it happened then people would be happy and that just won't do.

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