Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Life rant

Most of the time I look at my life and see that I have it pretty good. I have a roof over my head, internet and cable and clothes. There are lots of people worse off than me, I mean my family ain't rich, but we do okay. But sometimess I realize that we aren't always doing okay, we're just good at faking it.

My mom has been sick for a while. We think it's H1N1, but it comes and goes and just generally leaves her too tired and washed out to work. She hasn't worked more than a couple of days in the last 2 months or so and we're running through our savings pretty fast. My family hasn't bought groceries in 3 weeks or so and we're not starving, but things are starting to run low. I suppose the upside of that is cleaning out the refrigerator and freezer and pantry of the things that typically get shoved to the back shelf. I'm not entirely certain how my parents expect to pay for my tuition this semester. I'm starting to think it might be a good idea to drop my classes as I don't even have the money to buy most of the supplies that I need for my Drawing class and I don't have the money to make the rest of my tuition payments anyway.

My parent's are looking at buying this practice nearby. My mom is an Optometrist and having her own office would be a lot easier and more profitable, if they can get enough business. They need a loan to buy it though and the contract will take time. I don't know how much longer we'll even have the money to make rent payments on the house and we'll need to buy groceries within the next 2 weeks or we won't have anything in the house at all.

I'm not sure what to do really. I want my mom to get better, but at the same time I can't help feeling a little resentful. Sure she is sick, but she's not dying as far as I know and she can function and do some work. She never does though. I've been sick before, sort of like her. I was sick off and on in high school and even when I had a lingering sickness that made me feel like crap I still went to school, because I knew I had to or I would be suspended or expelled or considered a truant.
In mom's case, she's the bread winner. Dad doesn't have a job, he would have to get a teaching certificate or find a job as an optician to have a job. I'm beginning to think he may have to. Mom should work, I don't want her to feel bad, but at the same time she has a responsibility to keep our family running.

Anyway, I have some serious thoughts to ponder. I need to decide if I am going to drop my classes. I could always go back and take some in the summer before I go (hopefully) to NYC. I could even look for full time work to help my family pay the rent. I just don't like being unsure whether we can make our next rent payment or grocery bill. We went through enough of that in Arkansas. I though we moved here to get away from living that way...

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