Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I remember...

This one time, my older brother decided to sign up for Eharmony. It was free and he was bored and single. I was probably 15 or 16 at the time. I remember his frustrated, yet amused comment the next time I asked about it and he told me that after filling out the whole profile he had been told he was too "emotionally unstable to be paired with anyone at that time" or something along those lines.

Sometimes I wonder if that particular problem isn't genetic.

I think I'm too unstable to support real relationships, I just end up hurting the people around me and, inevitably, hurting myself as well in the end.

Y'see, the thing is...I know exactly what I want for my future, or at least I'm 80% certain at the moment. Which is really good for me, just ask anyone who's known me for any length of time. I'm continuously changing what I want, but a good portion of the time I was doing that changing in an effort to make everyone around me happy. This new direction, it's what I want, but there is this tugging back and forth that is going on. I know what I want and I know (partially) what she wants and those two ideas don't sync.

I hate making decisions, ask anyone who knows me, but decisions about relationships are the worst. I was told by a friend that I have to go after what I want in life and that if the person I care about doesn't want the same things that I have to be willing to choose what's most important to me. I know what's most important to me and that's the problem, I feel like the world's biggest jerk because college and a career shouldn't weigh in over a person in the grand scheme of things, but they do for me right now.

I don't think I have the right to have a relationship anymore...

3 comments:

Holly said...

I had a dream that I ran into Cris Pace. I asked him what was going on and he said that there was no way you could have your life goals and still see me. Ever.

..I don't think I can come up with anything else to say.

Sakasama_No_Chou said...

I'm just trying to figure out if that's a round about way of saying what you really think or if it was just a dream.

Holly said...

It was my brain projecting my fears. I woke up feeling sick.