Sunday, December 19, 2010

Why I am continuously surprised that I have to work for what I want.

This started on Twitter, but it's too long to post there so here I go.


You know...I think my problem is that I never really realized that someday I would have to fight for what I want.

This is ironic for a girl who grew up in a family with parents who routinely worried about how to pay rent or buy groceries...

Mostly I was given a lot of what I wanted with not a lot of work. My parents threw a lot of money at keeping my siblings and I happy.

This really is the truth. I admit that I go on and one about the sob story that is my life, but the honest to God truth is that my parents would have done an awful fucking lot to ensure that I was happy and had opportunities.

Maybe if I'd had to work for those opportunities I wouldn't have squandered them so badly. My mom and dad paid for ballet and jazz and tap, gymnastics, singing classes, piano and guitar classes and even a shrink at one point.
I quit dance, If you asked me to do a back hand spring I would laugh in your face, I stopped trying to become a broadway singer and I can't play an instrument to save my own life...well maybe a kazoo, but that's all your getting. Admittedly I can still sing, but I doubt that singing in the shower or while I make dinner has kept my vocal range where it used to be (think Christine from Phantom of the Opera, I could hit those high notes with the right warm up once upon a time) and I highly doubt the amount of hot tea and coffee and acidic drinks I drink has help my vocal cords.

The point is, I never worked very hard. My parents handed me opportunities and I never really tried to capitalize on them. I think, somewhere in my childhood, my mind fixated on this idea that anything I wanted would be given to me, that I wouldn't have to work for anything.

And really...this is ridiculous. It's not as if I grew up unaware of my family's money problems, I knew we had trouble making enough, especially during my teen years. I'm not entirely certain where these entitlement issues come from, but when I got to college and I suddenly realized I wasn't going to just be handed my dreams on a golden was a hard blow. When I gave up college to go to work I met another blow, more than one in fact, when I realized I was barely qualified (or so it seems) to do more than retail work, I can't even find work as a waitress and isn't THAT a sad state of affairs?

As I said before, I go on about how absolutely, god-forsakenly, tragic my life has been. Mostly it was because of certain chemical imbalances in my brain that, while I understand more fully now, still have control over me. Just because I know my depression is not rational does not mean I can control it, but that's another issue entirely.

I'm not entirely certain what to do with my realization about my entitlement issues, but I know that if I ever want more in life I'll have to start working for it. If that means student loans and years of work to pay them then that's what it means, I hope to find a way around that with an online degree, but there is no guarantee. I have to stop waiting for someone to hand me what I want for free and start being willing to pay for it.

Maybe if I'd had to pay for those ballet lessons myself I'd be dancing in Swan Lake now instead of sitting in an apartment in a low-income housing building. Maybe if I had to pay for gymnastics I would be at the Olympics instead of working at a parking garage. Maybe if I had paid for the singing classes I would be on Broadway instead of singing in my shower and maybe if I'd paid for the music lessons I would be playing in an orchestra somewhere instead of wishing I had stuck it out long enough to play more than Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

The more you pay for something to more it is worth to you. Anything you get for free is something that you don't care about throwing away.

I've let so many opportunities pass me by. When am I going to start taking what I want instead of waiting for it to be given to me?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Even a broken clock is right twice a day

There was a riot only a few blocks from where I live this afternoon. A neo-nazi group was marching to the capital building downtown and they were blocked by protesters, who were eventually forcibly moved by the police using tear gas and mace.

The neo-nazis were protesting illegal immigration, as many of you may know I am from Arizona and the much maligned SB1070 law has caused much anger and hatred on both sides of the aisle and while I, under any other circumstance, would protest any actions of a neo-nazi group...well, needless to say, the broken clock I was speaking of in the title is this particular group. While that is true, I don't necessarily think that having neo-nazis speaking up in tune with the Tea Party is going to make the Tea Party's song more harmonious. In fact, it only gives the liberal party more things to attack the Tea Party with.

How are they supposed to defend themselves when liberals will lump them all together?

That being said, I would like to say that I actually think that Democrats are far more racist than the Tea Party. That is, of course, merely the opinion that I formed based on history and current political moves by both groups.

Maybe later I'll write a post about why I came to that conclusion.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Why Georgia, Why?

I walked up three flights of stairs tonight, from my 3rd floor apartment to the balcony on the 6th floor. It was 10:30 at night and I had only left my apartment intending to dump my garbage down the trash chute before doing my dishes. The warm night air, the smell of exhaust fumes and the shining city lights convinced me to make the detour.

I stood out over the glittering expanse of the downtown Phoenix. A fire engine from the station down the block roared to life and sped down the street. For a moment the level of noise was maddening, before the sirens slowly faded out into the distance.

I took a deep breath...and promptly began to cough on a mixture of dust, exhaust and sand that filled the air of my desert city home.

I looked out at the lights, the tall business towers with their names spelled out in 50 foot letters. I looked at the steeple of the church next door, lit up by a floodlight.

I took all of this in and thought 'this is a beautiful city. I have a good job and I nice apartment. Why isn't this enough? Why do I need to move to New York? It's just a silly dream and all my family and friends are here in this city.' "Why isn't this enough!" I half shouted into the noise polluted night.

Then I thought of my very nice, very empty apartment three floors down. It's so lonely there. I start to hum a song I was listening to while cooking dinner for one, again, that night.

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with/Wood in places to make it feel like home/But all I feel's alone

It's enough to make you cry really. For all the picture's I hang and all the furniture I buy, all the dishes I wash, all the garbage I take out, all the laundry I do, all the meals I cook. These rooms still don't feel like home.

No matter what I do there is still something missing. I love my privacy, but I hate the quiet. I love the space, but I miss the happy mess of family. I want to be an adult, but I miss my mother packing my lunch and waking me for school.

Everything is just a little off. I feel like I'm just one inch shy of everyone else's reality. If I could just shift a bit things would be easier.

For two nights my apartment was filled with laughter and happiness and life and it reminded me of what I've been missing. I took my best friend back to her university this morning and I came back from running mundane errands to find myself alone again.

My best friend just celebrated two years of dating my(sort of) little brother (it's a long story). Maybe that was what started this train of thought, because I realized today that one of the biggest things I was missing was love. Or...not so much missing it as pining for it. You see, I do love someone, but she can never know because she couldn't return those feelings and friendship is better than nothing at all.

So, you see, I have to keep moving on. I need to find a bigger, better, more distracting place where maybe I can find someone who can meausure up to her, because if I don't I'll keep this gaping hole in my chest open and I'll keep finding myself in rooms full of furniture that mean nothing to me because my heart's not in them. My heart's flown away, it flew away the first time we talked and until the day I move on I'll be smiling and saying I'm fine in a one room apartment that is filled to the brim with...nothing.

Friday, September 10, 2010


We’ve all seen the afterschool special with the pretty high school kids who are almost preternaturally nice and yet manage to learn a lesson about friendship or bullying in every episode. We’ve all see the show about the plucky, misunderstood, underdogs who defeat all the odds to become champions…no matter how unrealistic it is.

Glee is not that show.

I admit, I thought it would be. The idea just seemed so clichéd and, being the culture snob that I am, assumed that any show that is that popular must have the content of a cross between an afterschool special and the Twilight novels. However, a good friend of mine who has great taste in show recommended the show and was a big fan so I decided it couldn’t hurt to check out a few episodes since I had just finished catching up on several seasons of crime dramas that I hadn’t been watching lately. Besides, I have a rather embarrassing obsession with any movie about dancing or music. I actually liked Save The Last Dance, Honey (with Jessica Alba…the acting is awful), Step Up and every other poorly written dance/music film from the last 20 years. Yeah…it’s kind of sad.

I was addicted to Glee after three episodes.

For a choir geek and complete nerd in high school this show was an accurate portrayal of high school from the bottom rung of the popularity ladder. (Except for the slushies, that never happened to me…possibly because I had several violent friends who could kick anyone’s ass). On top of that, I spent a semester at a redneck high school in Arkansas where I was the only non-Christian, Lesbian in attendance. Kurt, I feel for you.

There is another reason I love this show. This show, unlike with shows that try to make all their characters shining beacons of morality, contains characters that all manage to earn my hate at least once during the season. In fact, hate isn’t strong enough. I loathe some of these characters, but I also empathize with some of them.

(Spoilers ahead)
Here’s a few examples.

Kurt: He’s a complete bitch when he gives Rachel that little makeover to help her “impress”
Finn. On the other hand…there were times in high school where I would have done the same thing to a rival.

Rachel: Is there a more selfish, spoiled drama queen in existence? She needs to get off her high horse and realize she isn’t the only one with talent in the club. Also, what’s with her overbearing vocabulary? No one talks like that in high school…oh wait, I talked like that in high school. I was also a tad bit of a drama queen and a little condescending about my talents in high school. I wasn’t spoiled, but I was a bit similar in those other ways.

Will Schuester: *clicks tongue disapprovingly* He needs to learn some fucking impulse control when it comes to women…but so do I. I can’t blame him for that too much. I can blame him for not telling poor Emma about April or Shelbie right after they incidents occurred though.

Quinn: A nasty little liar, but I understand why. She obviously would have preferred for Finn to be the baby’s daddy and he would make a better dad than Puck any day. However, I can’t forgive the fact that she bitched Finn out about money so much for something that wasn’t his fault.
Now for the ones I have no sympathy for.

Terri: What a stupid, lying woman. (Why are all the women deplorable in this show more than the guys are?) She’s also super vindictive when it was her fault she and Will split up. Also….Terri, your perving on high school boys working for you is just fucking creepy.

Sue Sylvester: First of all, I love her character. I would hate her in real life though. Will is a complete wimp in how he deals with her. If I was him I would bypass that wimp of a principle, gather evidence and slap her so hard with a law-suit for harassment and a hostile workplace that she would still be spinning when she got fired.
Some will argue, “but what about what she did at the end of season 1?!” I’ll say the same thing I say about O’Reilly on Fox News. A couple of good and worthwhile actions does not make up for being a douchebag the rest of the time.
(Spoilers over)

I could talk about more characters, but these are the ones I had the strongest reactions too.
My favorite thing about this show is how realist the characters are. They are selfish, self-absorbed, confused teenagers. I feel like the show could have been made about people I knew in high school.

As for the rest of the show. They have fairly good writing and direction, some awesome actors (Idina Menzel and Neil Patrick Harris! *squeal*), and the costumes are awesome for the dance numbers. Not to mention, they actually used music that isn’t the top 40 or showtunes (at least not all the time). My favorite songs were Don’t Stop Believin’, You Can’t Always Get What You Want, Bad Romance, and the mash-ups of Halo/Walking On Sunshine, Any Way You Want It/Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’ and It’s My Life/Confessions Part II. I like a bunch of others, but those are my top picks for this season.

In short, it’s definitely no afterschool special and I’m looking forward to seeing what they do with the show this season.

Saturday, August 28, 2010


(or: Being a moderate is like standing in the middle of a busy street. You'll probably get hit by cars going both ways.)

    I don't know that I will ever understand the ideals that some feminists follow. There are too many "rules" for feminism and half of the seem to directly contradict the other half.


    We should celebrate being female, but dressing to look sexy is wrong because it objectifies us to men.

    We should act in all things as if we are the same as men (Though science says differently. We are different, with different strengths and weaknesses), but we expect to be treated differently because being treated like "one of the guys" is offensive.

    Women can comment on a man's looks, but if man does it he's sexually harassing us.

    Feminists are offended when a man opens a door, pays for dinner or pulls out a chair, but then they complain that men are rude, uncultured and have no respect for women.

    And the most amusing thing of all that I have witnessed.

    Feminists say that women should have the right to speak, act and do whatever they want without being objectified, but the moment they step outside the proscribed set of rules they are ridiculed as being anti-feminist.


    Don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating returning to a society straight out of the 1950s or, god forbid, the middle ages. I'm just as much in favor of feminism as I am disgusted with the way some "feminists" act. It's difficult seeing both sides of the situation. Grey isn't as easy to figure out as black and white. However, there must be a happy medium between these two view points, somewhere in that grey in-between. A place where women can wear make-up, dress how they want, let a man pay for dinner and still work 9-5 if they want, run a company and simply do what feels natural and makes them happy.

    The problem seems to be that society can never find a happy medium in anything! Moderates, like myself, take a beating from both sides no matter what subject, hence the subtitle of this article. I happen to be particularly unlucky in that I am uncommonly good at seeing the merit on both sides of any argument and so I tend to me moderate in almost all subjects I feel strongly about. (Moderate and feeling strongly may seem mutually exclusive, but it is actually possible to have strong feelings while understanding and listening to both sides of an argument. Compromise people!)

Let me give some examples of where I'm moderate and why the traffic tends to hit me going both ways most of the time.


    I'm a Deist (thank the clockwork god I'm not agnostic, they have it worse.) Religious folks tend to like to believe in a personal god and they take offense when I claim god wound up the world, let it go and went to get a high score at skeeball. Then you have Atheists, who tend to get offended that anyone can believe in any mystical being like a creator and still have the gall to say they are a rational and reasonable individual.


    Extremely left wing Democrats hate anyone who is Republican and extremely right wing Republicans hate anyone who is a Democrat. Both of them hate moderates because we keep picking at both sides and saying "can't we all just be friends, maybe we could compromise" and then pointing out how ridiculous they both are. You would think they could, I don't know, bond over their mutual distaste for moderates "The enemy of my enemy is my friend" or something like that, but, sadly, no dice.

By moderate I should explain that I am socially liberal and economically conservative. Some would call that a Libertarian, but since I'm not in favor of legalizing drugs or many of the "anything goes" parts of the Libertarian ideals, I'm not one of them…but I digress. (I do that a lot, sorry)

My point is (I knew I would get there eventually).

Democrats don't like me because I don't want them to tax my paycheck out from under me to give it to "those less fortunate" if that makes me a scrooge or selfish then fine, at least I'm a scrooge that held onto my principles. I give good tips, I give to charity and I do it all on my own which probably helps my karma more anyway without all my money being pumped into government programs with the fruitless dream that they can fix all the problems in the wide world by throwing money at them.

Republicans don't like me for a pretty simple reason really and it mostly has to do with the religious right. As a lesbian I don't really care for anyone telling me who I can love or marry or what I can do in the privacy of my own bedroom.

    (This would be a whole new blog post, but I feel the need to clarify that I also don't get along with a majority of the liberal glbt community for several reasons as well…most of which has to do with gay pride events, public activity that should never be public and my comment about the "privacy of my own bedroom" I may have written about that before…seems familiar… Seriously though, some things I do not want to see in public!)

    I also really don't like that both Democrats and Republicans have somehow come to the conclusion that the government should act as our babysitters instead of protecting our rights like it's supposed to.


I digressed again didn't I?

What was my point in all this?

Oh yes, feminism.

I would like to call myself a feminist, but the word has been dirtied by "feminazis" and women who aren't so much in favor of equal rights for women, but more interested in hating men.

I've got news for you, men are sort of necessary for the continuation of the species. Until technology is on level with that of the anime Vandread (if you've watched it you will get the joke) it's pretty pointless to hate all of them. Let's face it, some you just have to hate…Tom Cruise is a good enough excuse for that, but Lindsey Lohan is just as good an excuse to hate a few women.

Hell, I'm a lesbian and I don't hate men (with a few exceptions as noted) and it wouldn't affect my love life one way or the other if I did. However, some of my best friends are male.

As for these ideas about not letting men do anything for you…are you really that insecure ladies? You are so insecure in your own abilities that you have to prove to yourself that, yes, you can in fact open a door, carry your groceries, pay for your own dinner all by yourself?

Sorry, I was under the impression that we were mature women not five year olds trying desperately to prove to everyone that we can do everything ourselves. I remember throwing that tantrum at five when my dad tried to tie my shoes for me. I insisted "I CAN DO IT MYSELF!" I did do it myself, but I also made us half an hour late to church. Asking for help, or accepting help that is offered even when you don't need it, is not a crime.

I let my male friends (the ones who want to) open doors, pay for food or carry my backpack or groceries (or furniture) if they offer or I need help. I also buy them dinner, help them move, and pitch in to help however I can, whenever I can.

I can absolutely, 100%, tell you that none of my male friends do any of those things because they don't respect me or because they think I can incapable of taking care of myself. (Okay, admittedly, when my dad and "little brother" Juan helped me move last week I would have probably been incapable of doing most of the heavy lifting…but I'm a wimp and I did buy them all an expensive dinner afterward.) In point of fact, they actually do all of those things because they respect and care about me. On the other hand they have never treated me like a china doll they might break either. I rough house and crack dirty jokes with them as well, I've reached that happy medium where they can treat me with the respect they have for women, but also be "one of the guys" too.


Chivalry and respect do not have to be mutually exclusive concepts. In fact they should go hand in hand.

Chivalry isn't dead, it's just become an endangered species, mostly because guys are so terrified at offending a woman by being polite that they just don't bother.

My freshman year at college (Yes, I realize that was just last year…shut up) I was walking out of the student union and I guy that I didn't know stopped to open to door for me outside. He then immediately apologized for doing so and I had to ask why he did it. He told me it was habit for him to open doors for women because his mother taught him it was respectful and polite to do so (Go mom!), but he had recently gotten ripped a new one by a few girls who had told him they could "open their own damn door" and that it was rude to act like they couldn't.

That's right girls, one of the few males out there who is still a gentleman and you want to stamp it out of him. The first girl to let him know his actions were appreciated was a lesbian, what is this? You would think that a guy like that would have girls all over him, he was attractive and charming and sweet…instead of being popular he's now terrified of ever trying to help a woman.

These kinds of guys are a dying breed. It's actually easier for me, as a lesbian, to find someone sweet, thoughtful and chivalrous (though I tend toward chivalry myself) than it is for straight girls.

Seriously, you hard-core feminists** can't you at least attempt to find a middle ground, because…really, do you want to let chivalry die? If it does you won't find yourself getting more respect as women, you'll get less.


Of course, this could all be wrong, after all this is only my opinion and I've been known to be wrong before. If you disagree feel free to comment and tell me why.




*Taking these examples from feminists I've known and anecdotal evidence. I certainly don't mean to imply that these examples are in any way the way all women who call themselves feminists. I've known quite a few moderate and rational feminists in my day.

**Once again, I'm not talking about normal, level headed feminists. I'm talk to the ones that rip a guy's head off for being thoughtful.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Yet more psychological disorders to add to my resume...

All of this is sort of TMI for many of you I suppose, but I needed to get it off my chest because I was absolutely terrified of myself today. I also want those of you who are my friends to know that when this sort of thing's not you I'm angry at.

Now, you have to understand that I'm not big on doctor visits (partly because I have no insurance and I don't make a lot of money) and so I have never been diagnosed by a doctor, but I'm pretty handy with the DSM and I recognize the symptoms of bipolar disorder, which I know makes me more likely to have PMDD.

I've always been extremely irritable before my period and during. I sometimes snap at people for nothing and I seem to be in a perpetually black mood for days on end. Some days I'm extremely depressed and most of the days I have horrible insomnia, the kind of thing where you lay awake in bed for hours just thinking about all the mistakes and missed opportunities I've had. It's terrible and makes my life a living hell for a week out of every month.

Today was one of my worst episodes to date. On occasion I have gotten very angry with my sister or parents, but usually I get over it quickly. Today while at work (luckily I have a job where I have very little contact with people) I began to get more and more angry. It was a level of anger I have NEVER experienced before. I felt like I wanted to kill someone and for absolutely no reason at all, very little of anything annoying had happened that day at work. Before my ride home got there I was muttering to myself, yelling at inanimate objects and nearly inflicting property and physical damage. I literally have bruises on my arms and hands from punching walls in my office and slamming against windows.

The first thing I did when I got in the car with my dad (and when I got home and my sister was there) was to tell them that I literally could not control my actions and they needed to think before speaking to me, because I felt like I was not in control of myself. I felt like something was inside me, possessing me and causing this to happen.
It was one of the most frightening things that has ever happened to me.

Once I got home I got in the shower and ended up sobbing at one moment and bruising myself by punching the tiles.

Now I'm okay, but wondering if I should even go to work tomorrow. If I have another fit like I had today I honestly worry for my safety and the safety of my costumers. If someone even mildly annoys me I feel like I might throttle them.

Of course when I got home I began searching online for a way to explain what happened. All of my symptoms fit perfectly with those of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder ( or PMDD). I'm hoping to have the money for a doctor's visit in the future to find out what kind of treatments there are for this. Hopefully I can find something to stop this from happening.
Lord knows I have enough problems without adding another issue to my already screwed up head.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

And I don’t know where I’d be Without you here with me Life with you makes perfect sense You’re my best friend

Okay, so I'm not the biggest fan of Tim McGraw, but the lyrics from his song "My Best Friend" are appropriate for this post.

Tonight I was watching Van Helsing with my dad and during a commercial break we somehow came onto the topic of friendship somehow. My dad informed me of an article in the New York Times that had several psychologists and "child rearing experts" stating that having best friends was something that should be discouraged among children.*

“I don’t think it’s particularly healthy for a child to rely on one friend,” said Jay Jacobs, the camp’s director. “If something goes awry, it can be devastating. It also limits a child’s ability to explore other options in the world.”

Of course other, saner, psychologists object to this. Saying that a lack of best friends and close relationships will lead to a life of superficial friendships and an inability to create real friends and connections later in life.

Anecdotes from others in the story, like Robin Shreeves, spoke of the life long bond between best friends. Robin and her child hood best friend, Penny, are still friends and in fact their oldest sons are best friends.

I'm certainly not the one to talk to about lifelong bonds between best friends, but I can most definitely speak to the life changing impact a best friend can have on a person, even if that best friend is only with you for a few short years.

I met my first best friend in Kindergarten at a Christian private school in Fort Smith, Arkansas. Her name was Victoria and she sat across from me in class. We shared crayons, took naps side by side, ate lunch together and monopolized the swing sets at lunch.
I don't recall many of the other people from Kindergarten, though I'm sure I was in classes with most of them for several of the years I went to that school, but Victoria and I were inseparable. Hers was the first phone number I memorized, my first sleep over (at age 7) was at her house and when I was homeschooled in 4th grade we never lost touch.

I think I probably spent as much time at her house as I did at my own! Of course we had other friends. In 2nd grade we met a girl named Rachel and she joined our group. We often played with other people as well, but we were great together. School was great and we had each other. I was in the same class as Victoria every year in elementary school. Kindergarten through 3rd grade and we sat together in nearly every year when we had the chance. 4th grade, as I said, I was homeschool, but we stayed in touch and I still spent time at her house.

5th grade I came back to school and it seemed everything went wrong that year. Victoria and I were put in separate classes, I had to have surgery on my wrist, my teacher was a grade-A asshole, I messed up the cartilage in my foot and I had 3 girls in my class that hated me for no apparent reason. They treated me terribly and I was horribly depressed. The one thing that got me through was my friendship with Victoria. We met up at lunch and on the playground. I went to her house after school when my parents had to work late. Our friendship was wonderful for a long time, probably up until the summer before 10th grade when she started exhibiting some strange behaviors and her psychosis became too much for me to handle on top of my wavering sexuality, depression and my failing faith. I left her behind to protect myself, still it hurt me to do it. Luckily I had new friends, but I don't think I truly had another BEST friend for a long time. Don't get me wrong I had many really really good friends, but they just weren't same as Victoria. I had known her too long for just any person to fill that spot.

The point is, that one person got me through some of the hardest points in my child hood and I don't think I would be the same person now if I had only treated her like all my other casual friends in school.

A best friend is something every child should have.

Now, as for the arguments of these so called "child rearing experts" that say that Best Friends lead to cliques and bullying.
I remember bullying. Ashley, Brittany and Charisma in 5th grade put me through my fair share of it. Victoria was there to pick up the pieces. In 9th grade when I was teased for having a girlfriend, Victoria helped me through it. She never judged me.
We never bullied anyone that I can remember.

Cliques, from my memory, have very little to do with friendship. They are based on clothing, social status, Jocks, Preps, cheerleaders, and mutual hatred of the people outside the clique. Friendship breaks up cliques. I had friends from every group in 1oth grade. I ate lunch with the drama kids, cut class (once okay) with the goths, spent the morning before school with the nerds and traded fashion tips with the emo kids. Friendship, real true friendship, has a way of inviting you into every clique except for the ones that you really can't stand. In high school (for me) that was the jocks, the cheerleaders, the religious nuts and the bullies. I knew a few people from every group though.

Now the one thing I found the most amusing about this article, was the fact that the one and only example that had that was Pro for the "no best friend" idea was a set of fraternal twins. How they think this applies to anyone other than twins I do not know.

I've know a couple of sets of twins. They don't need best friends at school, because they have grown up with their best friend from day one. Sure they sometimes fight, but what best friends don't? Twins have a completely different social growth from anyone who is born by themselves. If I had a twin I probably wouldn't have needed and wanted Victoria around so much.

Hey NYTimes, give me a call when you can twist your theory to suit your facts instead of your facts to suit your theories. Holmes would have bitch slapped you for that one.

You can call me an alarmist, call me a right wing nutjob, call me a moron for all I care, but I have a theory about what this idea is being pushed by so many "experts".

If you grow up with only superficial friendships, spend all your time forced into large groups in order to "better socialize" with others then you will never have someone that you completely trust to talk to. If you can't trust the people you have discussions with, how will you ever discuss subversive topics? I don't tell superficial acquaintances (in real life anyway) my opinion on the government and the ridiculous congress and president we currently have. Nor do I know anyone else who does. Except for, perhaps, writers and Glen Beck and other T.V. personalities.

If you only learn to "group think", like these psychologists seem to want, then you will never learn to think original thoughts and that...that is the one thing most dangerous to a corrupt government. When it's people start to THINK and discuss and REALIZE what's wrong with society and their government, that is when revolutions start.

*The End Of The Best Friend - NYTimes June 16th, 2010

Thursday, July 08, 2010

WARNING WARNING! I am apparently homophobic!

Today I got a review on a fanfiction I wrote. Not only was it belittling, but it was quite frankly RIDICULOUS!
I am probably about to be very rude, but considering it was left by "Anon" I don't really care. I would have sent my thoughts to them personally, but I can't because they didn't leave an email address.

Not a bad little fic, but just a word of advice: warning for 'slash' is kinda
homophobic, and may put off many potential readers. You don't need to 'warn'
for homosexuality any more than you do for heterosexuality.

Other than that, keep working on your writing, you've got some real potential!

First of all "Not a bad little fic"? how condescending is that? Either you liked it or you didn't, but don't say it's "not a bad little fic". I spent quite a few hours on that story and having it called that is a putting to say the least.

Second: Obviously the writer did not read my profile. I suppose a person who is 90% lesbian could be homophobic, but it would be kind of like shooting myself in the head...

Thirdly: If a story contained graphic descriptions of heterosexual sex you can BET YOUR ASS I would want a warning in the summary. I more than likely do not want to read it. I will skim over any such sections if I actually bother to read the story.
It's common courtesy when posting stories online to warn potential readers about content that may offend them. My stories have had anything from "possible triggers for abuse or torture", "Graphic sex", "Slash", "Cussing" and "Graphic violence". Any of those things could tell a person they don't want to read the story and shouldn't bother clicking on the link.
I would rather post the warning and warn readers who will be offended from reading, than not post a warning and receive dozens of flames from people saying
"U GROSS! I don't wanna read bout no gayz having sex!" or the equivalent.

And my last point for the day: If this "anon" had bothered to read my profile for another reason...If he had he would know that I was accepted, because of my writing portfolio, into a very prestigious art institute. I don't need to be told to keep writing because I "have potential" by this yahoo. Especially not after my story was called "not a bad little fic".

I would like to think that this reviewer did not realize how rude and condescending their review was, but they probably did.

Some people may take this blog as me being too sensitive about reviews. I can handle constructive criticism in reviews, I have at various points received criticism on the stories I write, but a review like this that was obviously mis-informed and simply condescending really frustrates me.

FYI, if you are going to call me homophobic for giving people a heads up about the content of my writing, at least have the decency to leave a way to contact you to address your allegations. It makes me really unhappy if you don't.

Sunday, July 04, 2010

Sometimes it still hurts

Last night I had a dream about New York City.

It's still the place that I consider my city and sometimes it still hurts that I can't be there.

That's not to say that I'm not excited about moving to Alabama to move in with Zena, but there is still a part of me that seizes up and curls up into a ball and cries when I think about not being able to live in NYC.

Sometimes I think that it would have been better if my dream had always been a formless one. If I had never visited New York or gotten accepted to University there.

Of course, the writer in me feels validated that I got into Pratt, but the having the possibility in front of me and then loosing it makes me feel a bit like Charlie Brown and the football...

The really annoying thing is that I just want someone to listen to hurts that I can't go, but when I try to talk to my mom about it she acts like i'm trying to guilt trip her because she can't afford to send me to Pratt.

The actually point is...I don't care about Pratt. Getting a degree in writing is next to useless in a lot of ways, I can learn and write on my own, but Pratt was my excuse to go and my ticket in. I don't have the money otherwise...

So I'll move to Alabama, but one day I swear I will make it to NYC.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

My New Theme Song

Every now and then you will be on Facebook or MySpace and you will find that one of your friends will have filled out one of those inane surveys that I remember wasting SO much time on in high school. Inevitably one of the questions will be something along the lines of "What is your favorite song?" or "If you had a theme song, what would it be?"
The times that I filled out those surveys I've always had the same answer for the first question, which is 'Iris' by The Goo Goo Dolls by the way, but I never ever ever had a good answer for the second question.

Now I do.

I recently got a new phone and one of it's programs is Pandora, the internet radio station. Tuesday, I was at work and feeling pretty down, I had a fight with my parents the night before about my move to Alabama (they did not take the news well) and I was tired so I created a Pandora station that would play upbeat music and right after lunch a song that I hadn't really listened to since I was 11 came on. This time I was really listening to the lyrics and the music itself seemed to lighten my load and give my heart a warm glow.

This song was 'All Star' by Smash Mouth.

I know, I know, it's not the most brilliant song and it was way to over marketed in movies and commercials in its day. I don't think there are many kids from my age bracket who didn't, at one time, have every singly lyric to this song memorized. The song was wildly popular and it showed up EVERYWHERE.
But the truth is that if you actually sit down and listen to the lyrics (or chair dance and listen to the lyrics like me *laugh*) then you realize that the song is actually a very powerful one and REALLY good to listen to when you are tired, in the dumps and unsure about where to go with your life. It tell us to take a risk and count on our ability to do something amazing if we try.

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me
I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed
She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb
In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
Didn't make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do so much to see
So what's wrong with taking the back streets
You'll never know if you don't go
You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey now you're an All Star get your game on, go play
Hey now you're a Rock Star get the show on get paid
And all that glitters is gold
Only shooting stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder
You're bundled up now but wait 'til you get older
But the meteor men beg to differ
Judging by the hole in the satellite picture

The ice we skate is getting pretty thin
The waters getting warm so you might as well swim
My world's on fire how about yours
That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored

[Repeat Chorus 2x]

Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas
I need to get myself away from this place
I said yep what a concept
I could use a little fuel myself
And we could all use a little change
Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
Didn't make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
So much to do so much to see
So what's wrong with taking the back streets
You'll never know if you don't go
You'll never shine if you don't glow

[Repeat Chorus]

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I am a cuddler

There, my big secret is out. I have told you my deep dark secret. I like to hug, poke, tickle, cuddle and otherwise accost my family and friends, and if I am dating someone then you can add grope, kiss, massage and otherwise molest to the list. And actually the truth is that sex is secondary to me in a relationship, just because I'm getting touchy-feely with someone doesn't mean I need follow through.

It is unfortunate for me that my family and friends are mostly not the hugging kind of people. I give my parent's and sister hugs and kisses and mostly they just accept them (or in my sister's case, accept them and look at me like I'm crazy), but fail to return them because it's just not important to them. The only friend I had in high school who was similar to me was my friend Cindy, we hugged, held hands and generally draped ourselves over each other senior year of high school...which led to a few rumors about us which had no truth in reality, but high school boys have VERY active imaginations. In anycase, Cindy and I are still friends, but she lives in another state now, which makes hugging and cuddling a bit difficult.

Most of my other friends aren't big on hugging for various reasons. I had one good friend last year at college, my very sweet (and very gay) friend Chris could always be counted on to allow quite a bit of cuddling, but I live on the other side of town and don't talk to him much anymore. My surrogate little brother, Juan, is okay with hugging in general (when saying bye after a visit or similar things) but he also has a girlfriend and saves most of the cuddling for her, which I totally understand. One of my other very close friends, who reads this blog, started out knowing me in a capacity where hugging would have been VERY inappropriate and that, almost, fear of touching seems to have carried over to our current friendship.Other than I have very few other friends that I see very often. I have various friends that I am very close to who would probably not mind the cuddling, but they, unfortunately, live in other states.

I, unlike many of my friends, seem to uniquely love sleeping a bed with another person. Some of the most restful nights of sleep that I can remember having were when I was dating my girlfriend and I was staying over at her place. I usually toss and turn and end up sleeping in every position imaginable every night, but when I'm in a bed with another person I can sleep in pretty much one position and actually sleep soundly.
Of course the opposite is also true, on the few nights that I and my girlfriend went to bed angry with one another for any reason I slept terribly. This would be because we would lay stiff as boards on opposite sides of the bed and never touch each other. I wouldn't be able to sleep because I was terrified I would roll over in my sleep and touch her and make her angrier than she already was, which is all rather hilarious now that I think back on it.

Also, unlike the relationships of many of my friends in my age group, sex was generally of secondary importance. Sure, it was nice if we were in the mood, but just being together and cuddling (which is just a very difficult word to say with a straight face...) was the best part of being in a relationship in my mind.

Anyway, that's my deep dark secret...that was never really a secret at all....

Man my blog is getting so boring, who wants to read this shit anyway?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Slash and the obsession that women have with it I know people outside of my fandom friends and acquaintances read this blog. I have at least one friend who is male, straight and a bit of a fanboy, but not quite in the same way that I am a fangirl. So for those of you who could care less about fandom and fanfiction of the slash variety, this is likely not the post for you. Those of you who are on.

For those of you not in the know.
Slash fanfiction: fiction written by fans of a book/tv show/move/video game/anime that put two male characters in a romantic and/or sexual relationship. (The characters may or may not have been in a relationship in the published work). Examples of this would be Harry/Draco (Harry Potter), Dean/Castiel (Supernatural), Cloud/Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII), Holmes/Watson (Sherlock Holmes), House/Wilson (House), Jack/Ianto (Torchwood, also one of the few Canon slash couples) and and many many more.
The opposite of this is Femslash, which uses female characters. Then of course there is Het, which is exactly what it sounds like.
These stories can be romantic, cute, silly, sad or erotic in nature.

This type of fiction became very popular during the age of the original Star Trek series. Fanzines (Fanmade magazines) were published and the slash pairing of Kirk/Spock was ridiculously popular. This was before my time, but I've researched the topic quite a bit. I wouldn't go so far as to say this was the first slash pairing, but it was certainly one of the first that had a fandom willing to spread the stories from one person to another in a network that would later become the force behind fanfiction archives like, MediaMiner, and many other smaller archives devoted to single shows, movies, and videogames.

I write fanfiction, it's one of the many forms of self expression that I find useful in my life. Sometime writing an original character is too taxing, creating a cast of characters from scratch is HARD and when you just want to play around and write something silly, sexy or sad it can be liberating to write a story with characters that are already established.

I don't share my fanfiction with my previously mentioned male, straight friend who is also a writer. I'd be a little embarrassed to honestly, not that it's bad writing, I think it's rather good...but I don't think he would want to read it. Luckily I do have internet fans and friends who love my work and let me know.

The other night I was talking to my BFF, Zena, and we started talking about why we read and wrote so much slash and eventually we came to an agreement on why.
We, women that is, are fascinated by gay males and gay sex.
Because it's the ONLY kind of sex we will never be able to have.

I'm attracted to both sexes (previous posts will allow you to realize why I only date/have sex with women) and theoretically a woman can sleep with a man or woman no matter what her sexual preference. That's not to say that a lesbian will choose to have sex with a man or a straight-laced heterosexual woman will decide to experiment, but in theory she knows that she could experience that form of sex if she wanted to.

Gay male sex we will NEVER experience and that is why women in fandom are so attracted to reading and writing slash fiction.

It's a challenge as well. How does one write about sex between two men when you have no first hand experience? With great difficulty, is the answer to that question. I know that from experience.
On a good day I can pound out 3,000 words of fic in a couple of hours. One week I spend countless hours writing and re-writing the same 4,000 word fic over and over because the sex scene (the only one I had ever written...and the only one I have written to date) was so difficult to describe.

I think our idea of why we hold this fascination holds water, though it may not be airtight. For one thing, I've known VERY few gay male fanfiction writers who write slash (actually I've known very few gay male fanfiction writers at all...) and the one thing that most heterosexual males share a fascination for....lesbian sex. Though this is often not in fiction form, but that is understandable since men are more aroused by the visual and woman to the intellectual and written word.
(Note to previously mentioned friend: I'm only generalizing! In general you know this is true.)
Also, from my own experience (and that of Zena) I do not read Femslash as a general rule. I read it if a friend recommends a good fic. Similarly, neither I, nor Zena, read Het fic...and personally I am much less likely to read a fic that is recommended to me if it only contains Het. Why would I want to read about something I could do myself?

Anyway, this may not come as a shock or a brilliant piece of information to those of you reading this. I just felt the need to share my revelation, because I've been self-reflecting a lot and trying to figure out what makes me tic and this is just one of those things that has troubled me in the past.

Friday, June 04, 2010

Swimming and coming out

I work a 40 hour job. 10 hours a day, 4 days a week I sit in a 5'x8' box and charge people going out of a parking garage. It's a ridiculously easy job, I probably only do 3 hours worth of work and I sit around listening to music, watching videos on my laptop, reading and writing. It's the perfect job for an anti-social gal like me.

The problem with this job then?

I sit still for 10 hours a day! I don't even leave for lunch, I take short bathroom breaks and eat in the booth! I don't get exercise at all at work.

Luckily my family's apartment complex has an outdoor pool that's open 24 hours a day and in Southern Arizona, any day is a good day for swimming outside. So I try to go everyday after work (and at least a couple of times during my 3-day weekend) and swim laps. I have to choose times when kids aren't swimming (late night swimming is great!) and I swim back and forth till my legs feel like jello and I have to walk back to the apartment and collapse into sleep.


Today after work I was tired, but it was that nasty kind of tired that you get from being lazy all day. So I ignored it, put on my swimsuit and trekked to the pool. My mother decided to go with me to get some fresh air and ended up on the phone for most of the time I was swimming. When I finally got out we sat and talked for a while and on our way back I realized something.

A couple of years ago I would have carefully changed the names and pronouns related to my the significant other's of friends. I have gay friends, big whoop right? I mean they aren't all gay, but quite a few are and I didn't want my mother to know that, like it would implicated my own homosexuality just because I had friends who are gay. This evening I refused to do that. I mentioned Brittany's girlfriend, Chris' boyfriend and the girl that my friend Kristen likes. I didn't use the pronoun "they" once or change a "he" to a "she" or vice versa. I guess...I just got tired of pretending.

I shouldn't have to pretend! This is my mother for fuck's sake, I shouldn't have to pretend with her. She should love me and support me no matter what!

It's not as if I want to rub her nose in the fact that I'm a lesbian. However, it would be nice to be able to talk about wanting to date and actually say I want to meet a girl. I want to be able to talk to her about the woman I will eventually date. I want to be able to tell her the truth about going to meetings at the local LGBT community center.

I don't want to have to lie to her!
I got in the shower when I got back from the pool and cried about this! I am so done with the lies and the half-truths and the pronoun switching.

So here's the deal guys. I'm moving in 3 months or so, anyone who reads my blog regularly already knows this.

At one time I intended to wait to tell my parents about my sexuality after college, but at this point I don't know when I'll be going to college.

At one time I intended to only tell my parents about my sexuality if I found a woman I wanted to be with. If I found a man I would leave it alone, but realistically I know I that there is a 99% chance that I will never want a man, though I am attracted to men. (That's related to a different issue, which I'll post about eventually).

Now I'm just so done, it's over. I won't lie anymore.

I'm planning to tell my parents I'm moving about a month before I leave. I don't want to deal with them trying to talk me out of it for longer than that.
When I leave, right before or right after, I am going to tell my parents. If they decide not to talk to me ever again, then that is their loss, but I refuse to lie anymore.

I want to be able to call them and talk about my life and not lie about where I go, who I talk to, or who I sleep with.

If they still want me after I tell them then I've got what I want.

If they don't want me then I've lost them, but gained the freedom of no longer lying. Plus the fact that I'll have my new BFF with me to keep me sane.

Coming out, this isn't when I planned to do it, but it's time for a change.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Getting out of a rut

Most of my life, my school years that is, were spent in following The Plan. While many of my friends were sneaking out to parties and dating and ducking responsibility I was studying late and working and helping with school events to pad my college resume. Going to a good college was The Plan. Going there with a lot of scholarships was part of The Plan. For a long time I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I finally decided on writing and decided on a college and I got in!

I was so excited and I felt validated. Any writer will tell you that they are self-conscious about their writing and unless someone like an editor or school tells them they are good enough they will always feel inadequate. (Except possibly those authors that have inflated egos, but that's another story and doesn't apply to me at ALL).

I was depressed for a while and extremely stressed when I realized I couldn't afford college. That wasn't part of The Plan and I didn't know what to do next. Then I realized that I could do ANYTHING that I wanted now. I was throwing The Plan out the window and it felt GOOD. Unbelievably good, in a way I haven't felt in years. Since before I started to concentrate on The Plan.

I decided to go to Bartending school, which I'm still going to do. I still felt a little...trapped. I feel so stress free now, but I also realized that I had never been one to do anything crazy at all in my life. The truth is that I would never be able to do anything TO crazy, but some drastic decision making on my part could be interesting.

Then the perfect opportunity to do something crazy and get out of this rut I'm in appeared. I really really really needed to get out of this state. I get this itchy feeling and I need to be GONE! When I was in high school I didn't have the luxury of doing that (still don't, actually, until I get a job and save some money), but once I have some money I will be able to do that, but I wasn't sure where I should go.

Then my friend who lives in Alabama asked me if I would be her roommate. She and I had been joking about the idea for a while, but when her mother began planning to move out and she needed someone to help pay the bills, she asked again. Much to my initial surprise, I found myself actually considering the idea and now I've finally decided.

In a few months I'll be living in Alabama with my friend. I'm really looking forward to this change of pace and it helps that this friend is completely awesome and I think being her roommate will be extremely fun. This is a drastic change, but I think it's what I need. I need things to be different and I need to feel like I'm in control of my life for the first time. Even if this plan fails spectacularly, at least I'm failing on my terms.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010


Mmm, I used to ship them pretty much all the time, but I have to admit that I've lost interest in House, M.D. over the last season so I'm not as interested. I still think they should be together, but I don't really read fic for them anymore...unless it's by Californiaquail

Ask me anything at all, I'll answer most anything.

Can you stand on your head

Nope, I think I would die if I tried.

Ask me anything at all, I'll answer most anything.

Can you sew

Yes, I can sew. I've sewn costumes for conventions and such and while I wouldn't say I'm a world-class seamstress, I do okay.

Ask me anything at all, I'll answer most anything.

Would you ever ship Dabriel?

I'll ship it on occasion, Destiel is still my OTP for Supernatural, but there is something appealing about Dabriel.

Ask me anything at all, I'll answer most anything.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Who was your first crush?

Fictional character: Xena warrior princess. I'm not joking.
Real life: Dakoda Smith in 5th grade.

Ask me anything at all, I'll answer most anything.

What did you eat for breakfast today?

Scrambled eggs, orange juice and pumpkin bread. It was delicious!

Ask me anything at all, I'll answer most anything.

What is your greatest fear?

You ask the hard ones don't you? Um...rejections. I'm prevented from doing a lot of the things I want because of fear of rejection (relationships mostly)

Ask me anything at all, I'll answer most anything.

Apple or Cherry pie?

Cherry most definitely, but I have to make it from scratch because the cherry pie filling is made with Red Dye #40 which I'm allergic to...

Ask me anything at all, I'll answer most anything.

If you could have a super power, what would it be?

Mind Reading, it would be quite useful.

Ask me anything at all, I'll answer most anything.

If you could eliminate one thing you do each day in the bathroom so you never had to do it again, what would it be?

shave my legs, seriously if I could have smooth legs and never use a razor again I would kill for that.

Ask me anything at all, I'll answer most anything.

If you had the opportunity to live one year of your life over again, which year would you choose?

Dear lord, none of them. They were all terrible up till now and nothing I could do would have changed that.

Ask me anything at all, I'll answer most anything.

What did you dream about last night?

I had a dream out the Supernatural convention in October, it was epic.

Ask me anything at all, I'll answer most anything.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Boobquake 2010

April 26th, 2010. Woman all over will dress immodestly in the name of science!

The Blogger and blog post who got the idea it's start.

Muslims seem to think that if a woman flashes a little bit of leg or boob we will incite men to adultery (because men apparently have no self-control) and adultery, unknown to Geologists, is the real cause of earthquakes.

In that case, April 26th will be the one day I break out my lowest cut shirt and push-up bra to incite men to have adulterous thoughts along with hundreds of other women. If the prayer leader of Tehran is correct we're going to have a frakkin' huge earthquake next Monday!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Redefining life

One of the hardest parts of leaving Christianity when I was younger was the need I had to redefine myself and my interests when it happened. I had been having doubts for a long while, but I was still very much a "good-little Christian girl" as much as I could be in the months leading up to my de-conversion.

I had an extensive collection of books, movies and musicians that I no longer felt comfortable listening to. Christian musicians whose lyrics and ideals just made me sick to my stomach. Granted, this probably had less to do with their beliefs and more to do with a severe backlash that came with my depression and suicidal problems at the time, but still I found myself pulling away from the things that I had used to define my interests for years.

When I came out as bi-sexual to my friends and myself less than a year later, I was less angry at religion, but I felt as if listening to some of the music I used to listen to would be hypocritical. Also, I had thrown out my CDs, t-shirts and posters. I kept right on collecting an extremely eclectic and controversial new set of favorite secular bands, which I will never regret doing. Ani Difranco, Bright Eyes, Counting Crows, Collective Soul and My Chemical Romance were very much outlets for my teen angst and creativity.

I always felt it was a little unfair though. I had been forced to leave musicians, that I had otherwise enjoyed, behind because I had to redefine myself around a whole new set of ideals that had been set out for me.

After as many years as I've been de-converted and out I've finally realized that I'm not required to live by anyone else's set of rules, but I guess I'm still uncomfortable with the majority of the media I consumed as a Christian. At least now I can pick up my Bible for research without crying, raging and becoming depressed.

The real point of this post is to applaud the brave actions of one of my former idols of Christian music. Jennifer Knapp was one of my favorite female singers, talented voice and amazing guitar skills. I always adored her music and years after throwing out her CDs I came to regret that action.
In 2003 she dropped off the map of Christian music and went on an hiatus that lasted for 7 years. She came back to the states last September and announced her new album "Letting Go" would be coming out on May 11th. Not only that, she also announced that she was a Lesbian and had been in a relationship with a woman for the past 8 years.

Christian Forum members have some good things to say about her, while others snipe at her for " forsak[ing] the truth of God's Word for her perversion" as one forum member writes.

I know that she will lose some listeners, some Christian radio stations will boycott her music, but I feel sure that music will soldier on and she will gain new fans.

I know for a fact that she has already regained 1 old fan. I'm returning to the flock of Knapp fans with the release of this new album. I've already fallen in love with the tracks she has posted on her website and I can't wait to hear the rest.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Woke up this morning and something occurred to me.

When I was in high school I had this dream of owning a coffee shop/book store/bar in the evenings and somehow that dream got pushed aside by my burning need to attend college...

I'm beginning to see that I do have other dreams and goals, but college was so big that it got in the way of seeing them most of the time.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Much happier today!

Okay, so I am much happier today.

The other day when I posted I was freaking out over the cost of college and then I got pissed that they have the nerve to charge so much.
My mom managed to calm me down and we crunched the numbers to see if my family could budget it so they could pay off the part of tuition that would have been covered by loans by using a payment plan.

My mom came to the conclusion that they could, but I just couldn't make them do that. We have enough money trouble as it is without them throwing over a $1000 a month toward my tuition bill.

So I've made a decision, it's an important one and I would like to thank a friend on Livejournal, Memnoch, for giving me the idea to try a different route to what I want.

I was having a random conversation with my dad tonight, which is a common occurrence and because of a series of events somehow we started talking about bar tending. From there I found myself researching bar tending schools and pay rates and now!


I am going to enroll in a bar tending school in June, once my family has moved to the other side of town and I've completed the two classes I'm in at Community College.

Bar tending classes only take about 2 weeks and cost about $300-$400. Then I get my certification and the school will help me find a job. Bartenders, with salary and tips, in this area make about $100-$300 a night. That's more than I could manage in almost a week some places.

It's strange, college has been the main thing for me ever since I started Junior high. I always had it on the front burner, watching it cook, like watching paint dry everyday for 6 years.

Suddenly I find myself putting college on the backburner and letting is simmer and I've never felt more happy or free than I do at this moment. It's an amazing feeling, I can't remember the last time I just didn't care about college or how I would pay for it or what I would major in.

I still want to go to college eventually, but this time could be what I need to make sure I don't make a mistake in what I major in and make sure I don't have piles of debt.

Here's to realizing that the fastest way between two point is always a straight line, but sometimes the best way is the one that meanders around a little bit and stops to smell the flowers and listen to the birds.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Not sure what to do anymore...

I'm just so tired of fighting for what I want when no one is willing to give me a leg up and help me get where I want to be. I try and try, but I can't do it all alone and no one else really cares if I fail or succeed.

I had one dream, for 3 years. Every time I thought about my future, about college, I dreamt of New York skylines and Central Park and Subway lines. It was the thing that kept me going, because New York was my dream. It didn't matter what I had to do, I was going to go there.

And then.

I got accepted to Pratt Institute after agonizing for weeks over application essays and writing portfolios. I was so happy, I was going to do what I'd dreamed about for years.

And then.

Reality kicked in. Tuition and room and board and all the other fees added up to a hefty sum of 51,000 (maybe a few hundred dollars more) and the 10,000 scholarship I got from the school started looking awfully small and insignificant. I knew I just needed to wait for Financial Aid to send me my package of awards and I was sure things would be fine. Then I got the package. They wanted me to get 25,000 in PLUS loans (which my parents don't have the credit for) and when I asked my Financial Aid adviser what we could do about that he told me that I would have to get a private loan. I don't have the credit for that obviously and I don't have anyone that I can ask to co-sign for a loan of that size.

I don't even know if my dream is worth all the pain and heart attack it's been causing me ever since reality pressed into the idealistic dreamscape I had painted for myself. I think I've shed more tears over this one dream in the past month, had more sleepless nights over this one thing than I ever had in high school and if you knew me in high school you would know what a serious statement that it.

I can't have my dream and when I think of applying at NAU or some other state university here in Arizona I physically hurt and can't stop crying, because you're supposed to get your dreams right? I always thought that if I tried hard enough I could have anything I wanted, I could succeed. That's what my teachers said, what my parents told me was true.

I've found that, like a lot of things my teachers and parents have told me, getting your dreams rarely happens. Saying if you work hard you'll be rewarded it just so much bullshit along with telling you that anyone can fall in love and money isn't everything. It's all bullshit! And I can't stop crying even when I'm looking over NAU's admission requirements, because this isn't what I wanted. It's never been what I wanted, but I guess getting what you want doesn't happen. If it happened then people would be happy and that just won't do.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

The Eleventh Hour 5.01 of Doctor Who - Steve Moffat could be good for this show

Just watched the first episode of the new season of Doctor Who. I was expecting to hate it and hate the new Doctor. Surprisingly I liked the new episode (it was written by Steve Moffat the new director, so no real surprise there. I love all his episodes) and I like Matt Smith's version of the Doctor, I don't love him yet, but it could happen. The new companion, Amelia Pond, is quirky and I like her too...though she's no Rose Tyler, so we'll see how much I like her in the coming season.

The only things I had issue with was the Doctor's new wardrobe (very geeky college student, complete with tweed, checkered shirt, bowtie and suspenders) I firmly believe that the only people who can pull of a bowtie are sweet British Gentlemen, like Ducky from NCIS. I also thought that the new Doctor's attitude and mood were a major jump from the 10th doctor, but then again that tends to happen whenever he regenerates so I'm not going to pick at that too much. Every version of the Doctor seems to have a personality that greatly deviates from the one before. I think it has something to do with the memories of his former version not affecting him quite as personally anymore.

On that note.

I have to say that I am quite pleased with the new tone for the show and for the Doctor. I'm not a fan of Russell T. Davies, for all that I am glad he brought back Doctor Who and started Torchwood, and I have not made that a secret to anyone who would listen. RTD seems to have a penchant for lots of angst in his shows and that has been clearly seen in every season and special of Doctor Who and Torchwood. It's been like one long series of angsting for the characters and, of course, the fans who get involved in the character's stories.
Matt Smith's Doctor has new hope, a new body and a new zest for life that I find refreshing, especially after the monumentally depressing year we had for DW and TW last year. The Doctor Who specials (aside from the first which was lighthearted, but poorly written IMO) were all depressing as hell and any fan of Torchwood is well aware of why Children of Earth the Torchwood Miniseries was depressing. I felt like I was on one long crying jag no matter where I turned in my Sci-fi fandoms.
(Of course I'm a tad thankful for this as it hurtled me into finding some new fandoms, Criminal Minds and Supernatural being two of them)

I'm grateful that it appears, though it could be too soon to tell since where only one episode into the season (but it's Steve Moffat, I trust him), but I think I'm not going to be tempted to drink cyanide out of sheer depression brought on by the episodes this year in Doctor Who. The verdict is still out on Torchwood of course. If BBC brings it back for a new season and IF I decide to watch it (I may boycott it because of RTD still directing it) I'm hoping for less angst. I'll probably hold off till after the whole season is done so I'll know if it's worth the pain of getting involved with the characters again.

So there's my small review of what I thought and a tiny bit of outlook on what could be a very good season for Steve Moffat's Doctor Who.


In the end, I'll always have a soft spot for David Tennant's portrayal of The Doctor, just as I still have a soft spot for Tom Baker's version. However, I think it's time to retire him and his anger and sadness and time for a new version to step up, so strangely's good to see him go.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Acceptance letter to Pratt

Okay, I'm too excited (I'm like a live wire at the moment) so this isn't going to be the most put together post I've ever written. I just had to say that I was accepted at my first and only choice for university, Pratt Institute in Brooklyn.

I'm serious, I gave up a lot because of wanted to go to this school in this state. I lost a girlfriend (though that would have probably happened anyway eventually, I sorta suck at relationships), spent hours obsessing over my application and portfolio, I've bitten my nails to the quick in nervousness over all of this, but all that seems small in comparison to the email that had the heading of CONGRATULATIONS! that I just received in the email. In a few days my physical, paper package with my financial aid and scholarships will be here.

Now the insanity of filling out acceptance papers, getting insurance squared away, finding money for housing deposits and a thousand other things will now be starting....

Oh lord, now I'm starting to realize this won't be any easier from here on in.
But at least now I know that I'm good enough to get in, I don't have to worry about that anymore.

*runs off to work off excess energy!*

Monday, March 22, 2010

Good Omens and Supernatural

I went to the library the other day and I was hunting for books to read. I ended up picking The Stupidest Angel by Christopher Moore and Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, both really hilarious books by the way. I started reading Good Omens out loud to my parents (something we haven't done in a while) and we're having a lot of fun with it.

Roughly 100 pages in I had to stop reading because I was laughing too hard, because I realized....Eric Kripke and his Supernatural writer's totally stole ideas for season 5 from this book.

I mean the Anti-christ is just a normal kid who started using his powers to warp the world around him without realizing it, he's not really down for destroying the world either so he's using his powers to hide from demons in the show.

We've got one angel who doesn't particularly want to destroy the world. Castiel isn't nearly as amusing or absent minded as Aziraphale, but he does have it's moments.

Then we have Crowley (same name in Supernatural and Good Omens) a demon, with an English accent, that really sort of likes earth and he's a little hacked off at Dean and Sam for starting the Apocalypse, but he's willing to help them out (against hell's orders) if it means putting a stop to the end of the world. Not to mention Crowley also loves money, screwing around with people that want to make deals with Hell, has a taste for the finer things in life (in Good Omens he drives a Bentley and eats at The Ritz), but did I mention he's ENGLISH!

I'm not even half way through the book, but no fan of Supernatural should be able to go through life without reading this might help us figure out where the end of this season is going acutally...who knows.

So read Good Omens, you won't regret it.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I knew that was a bad idea.

So I got to talking with my brother's girlfriend tonight. (yes he has a girlfriend, wipe that shocked expression off your face.) We were talking about past relationships, which started out with her talking about what a douche-bag her previous boyfriend was and that entailed the telling of several hilarious, yet mildly disturbing stories of crazy shit he had done while they were dating and since they've broken up. This was all well and good, but eventually the conversation made it talking about Holly and the how's and why's of why we broke up.

I was honestly surprised to find out how much I was still angry about her calling me "immature" and saying I needed to grow up before having another relationship. I was fairly certain I had gotten over the whole situation, but talking about it just made me realize I still had issues with that statement.
The thing is, I broke up with her for a myriad of reasons, but the main one was that both of us have directions that we want to take in life. If our relationship had continued, one of us would have felt the need to squash our own dreams and goals so that the other could get what they wanted. The immature thing to do would have been to pretend that the situation could end with anything, but a lot of built up resentment between us.

The unfortunate thing is that we never really had any problems before that revelation. We had a lot of fun together and things were just so good most of the time, any issues we had could have been worked out over time. Why a relationship that could have been so good had to end so badly, I don't think I'll ever know.

I just wish I didn't still feel angry about the way she reacted, I understand that she was angry, but she never stopped to consider that maybe this was just as hard for me as it was for her. I had to struggle for days to finally bring myself to the point of making the decision to break up and given more time I might have actually given up what I wanted just to be with her. I know later I would have resented her for it, but I would have done it just the same.

Anyway, I hope that by typing this out I'll finally be able to finish with my feelings of loss, anger and all the other shit I've been feeling off an on for months. It's not healthy to keep feeling this way, it needs to stop.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Okay, so now I'm pissed

As a preface:

Anyone involved in a fandom should keep a level head and remember that it's only a t.v. show/book/videogame/anime. The fans however are real people, so don't be a dick.

A few months ago I wrote a post on my Livejournal about how people in fandoms are rude, overly judgmental and just dicks in general sometimes. I was angry then, because some who I consider a friend on Livejournal was being harassed by other members of the House M.D. fandom on LJ. She's an amazing fanfiction writer (could write amazing original fiction too if she wanted too), but she had the unfortunate tendency to be completely and utterly honest to everyone. She wasn't afraid to make her opinion know about every single thing in the fandom, she reminds me a lot of House in fact.

She has very good opinions, in my opinion. She wrote pointed reviews of House episodes, pointing out the unfair treatment of House and the double standards that both the show and the fans put on House and Wilson. I could go on for days about everything she said that was true and well thought out, but that's not the point of this post.

The point of this post is to get royally pissed off at the people who drove her from the fandom she was involved in. Her stories were flamed and hurtful things were said to her about her writing and her opinions. She repeatedly told people she wasn't going to change and if they didn't want to hear what she had to say or read what she had to write then they should just ignore her. For some reason these...frakkin' morons couldn't do that. The continued to hurt a wonderful woman, who I would be proud to call a friend. Her online world was an escape, just as it is for me and for many others, but she couldn't have a safe haven online because of people who take their fandom too seriously.

IT'S A TV SHOW! There is no reason to take things said by a fan who you don't agree with as a personal slight. She did nothing to anyone to deserve the treatment she got. There was no personal malice against any of the people that harassed her. She's withdrawn from her online persona because of you though. I hope you are all happy.

Anyone who gets so involved with a fandom that they will willingly use angry words to hurt and upset another fan should be ashamed of themselves. Act your age, or at least your shoe size. Even children aren't as callous and cruel as these particular people.

Yeah, this may make me unpopular. However, I stand up for my friends. Keep in mind though, that I will never harass these people. I will never deliberately hurt any of you with my words or my writing, if I did then I would be no better than you.

Monday, March 01, 2010

uh-oh... Opinions on "My Bloody Valentine" the latest episode of Supernatural

I kept saying how I was going to update more regularly and not forget about my blog, but then I did just that. I was complaining about someone I follow on blogger not updating in a while and then I just thought "uh, pot meet kettle, you haven't updated in a looooong time."

I have no idea what I'm here to write about today... Oh I know! I recently caught up with this season of Supernatural, a show I had neglected this season, much to my dismay. I got caught up in school and missed a lot of episodes.

The latest episode, before the show went on hiatus till March 25th (AH!) was called My Bloody Valentine and I suppose it could be LOOSELY be called a valentine's episode...if death, dismemberment and general grossness are valentine's day appropriate anyway. In my opinion, that's the only cool way to celebrate Valentine's day.

Be warned, thar be spoilers ahead for those of you who have not seen this episode.

In my opinion, this episode was one of the best for this season. It was certainly one of my favorites. Now this season has had a lot of good plots (The Song Remains the Same)and funny scenes (PUDDING! anyone?) and a few clunkers (Paris Hilton beating up Dean...uh yeah, that speaks for itself really.) but the writers did a great job of making Sam, Dean and Castiel so believable and heart-breakingly human in this episode. I was tearing up at the end.

The episode does start out in a way that sort of squicked me out though. I was reminded of the way the X-files got towards the end of the series, very graphic and gory. I can handle a lot of stuff, but the opening scenes had me turning away the same way the end of the Silent Hill movie did. The couple at the beginning EAT each was, to put it mindly, disgusting.

Sam and Dean ride into town and start looking into the deaths of 4 star crossed lovers. The ones that went all cannibal on each other and another pair that committed murder/suicide. They find Enochian sigils on the hearts of the dead and call in Castiel for help. Queu my favorite silly scene from the episode, with Dean calling Cas, telling them where they are and then continuing to talk to Cas on the phone after Cas arrives in my morgue and is standing in front of him.
Dean: Cas it's Dean, yeah room 31-c basement level. St. James medical center. (Castiel is in front of him).
Castiel: I'm there now.
Dean: yeah I get that.
Castiel: I'm gonna hang up now.
Dean: Right.

Castiel tells our boys that the sigils mean that a Cupid (or Cherubim 3rd class as he calls them) marked them to be together. So basically the boys think they are looking for a rogue cupid. (Only in a review of Supernatural would I be able to type that with a straight face.) They go to to a fancy restaurant to look for Cupid, because fancy restaurants are the obvious place for the Cherubim 3rd class to make his couples get all lovey-dovey.

Dean isn't hungry for his dinner, in fact he's been acting off all day. He didn't go out to hook up with random chicks when Sam offered to let him. Something is very strange... In fact...Cas is acting odd too. When Dean doesn't eat his burger he immediately says something along the lines of "Are you going to finish that?" and grabs the plate. Before he can chow down though, he realizes Cupid is there and vanishes, telling the boys to meet him out back.

Castiel makes the Cupid take corporeal form and we find that he is a fat naked man...I will never look at love the same way.
Cupid proceeds to give Dean a huge hug and then moves on to Cas. Sam tries to escape, but fails. This is my second favorite funny scene of the episode.
Dean: (to Cas, as Sam is being hugged) Is this a fight? Are we in a fight?!
Cas: This is their handshake.
Dean: I don't like it.
Cas: No one likes it.

Cas being hugged by Cupid is almost more funny than Dean calling Cas "Huggy bear" in an earlier episode.

They soon realize they are way off base, but they do learn that Mary and John Winchester couldn't stand each other till the Cupids got involved. Dean and Sam had to be born, so they had to get together.
Cupid: A match made in heaven.
Dean punches Cupid (when will he learn that punching angels only hurts him?).
Sam: You just punched a Cupid.
Dean: I punched a dick!

Another guy dies from overeating...twinkies and Sam runs into a demon dressed in a suit and tie and carrying a brief case. The demon gets away, but Sam gets the case. Which they open to find the contents is a human soul. Castiel informs them (while eating a bag of Whitecastle burgers, something is definitely wrong here) that the problem in this town is not a rogue cupid, but that Famine, the next horseman, is in town eating souls to gain strength. He is causing everyone in the town to gorge themselves on whatever it is that they hunger for. Sex, love, food, alcohol. In Castiel's case his vessel (remember Jimmy Novak?) is hungering for hamburgers. They know they need to stop Famine and they believe they can stop him the same way they stopped War earlier in the season.

Sam admits that he is seriously craving Demon blood and they are going to have to lock him up here while they get rid of Famine, because he can't control himself. I am seriously proud of Sammy in this episode, he knows he has a problem and asks for help. I really like him a lot more this season. In season four he was kind of a douche-bag to everyone.

Cas and Dean handcuff Sam to the sink in the bathroom (kinky) and leave him there while they hunt Famine. Famine sends demons after Sam to bring him to him. Famine is at, so funny, an all you can eat buffet where everyone has died from over-eating, so it's just him and his demon entourage.

Castiel has apparently eating 100 or so hamburgers...poor guy. He asks Dean why he isn't being affected by Famine, he's the only one who hasn't been craving anything. Dean tells him that he eats when he wants to, has sex when he wants to and drinks when he wants to.
Castiel: So you're saying you're just well adjusted?
Dean: God no, I'm just well fed.

Castiel is supposed to go in with the demon-killing knife and cut off Famine's ring that he uses to control people, but once inside he gets distracted by a pan of raw meat. This is not as gross as some other scenes from the episode, but still...ick.

Dean follows him in and then gets captured by the demons.

Cut to Sam, desperately trying to escape the handcuffs (still kinky) and find a demon to bleed. The two demons Famine sent after him show up and free him and then get a nasty surprise as Sam takes them down and goes a little crazy with bloodlust.

Cut back to Dean, who is being taunted by Famine. Famine says that hunger isn't just in the body, it's in the soul and that Dean isn't hungry because he doesn't have a soul, since he came back from hell.
Famine: That's one deep dark nothing you've got there Dean.

Luckily, Sam shows up to save the day. He's all hulked out on demon blood, but once again I am proud of him. When Famine offers him the rest of his entourage, he refuses and pulls the demons from their vessels. Famine eats the demon's spirits (the black smoke) instead. Sam uses his powers on Famine to pull all the demon spirits from him. It doesn't show whether Famine is dead or not, but for some reason I don't think this is the last we've seen of him.

The end of the episode comes with the boys and Cas back at Bobby's. Sam is detoxing in the Panic room and Dean is slowly falling apart. It just goes to show that Dean may be a bad ass, but at some point everyone breaks down. I think Dean may be close to his limit honestly. The very last scene is Dean breaking down outside, praying to God for help.
Dean: Please...I can't.... I need some help. Please....

I'm serious, this scene had me near crying. That rarely happens to me during a TV show, but this episode did it.

Sam is a better person now, I don't blame him for falling off the wagon in this episode. Dean is losing it, he needs more strength, but the writer's have made him seem so much more human in this episode. We rarely get a chance to see him as anything but strong. Castiel is definitely becoming human as the days go by and we have to wonder what that means for him and for Jimmy Novak.

March 25th can't come soon enough Kripke! I'm hoping for more awesome episodes like this one when the show comes off hiatus.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

I met my long lost older sister today...

I was completely minding my own business on LiveJournal today. I was hanging out on my Criminal Minds OTP Community for Hotch/Reid and I decided to post my first post there which consists of telling your name, your favorite Hotch/Reid scene and a few other misc. things. That's not really important though.

The important thing to note is that I posted this with an avatar which linked me to the Torchwood fandom and I quickly got a response from another Criminal Minds and Torchwood fan. Then I added her as a friend and went to her Livejournal page where she has posted a crossover fanfiction between Torchwood and Stargate Sg-1. It turned out that she liked the same pairing as me on Stargate and Torchwood and Criminal Minds. Then we realized that not only that, but we like the same pairings on House, NCIS, The Sentinel (a relatively old and unwatched show), Supernatural, Numb3rs and Sherlock Holmes. This is unheard of, I have never met a person that likes all the same shows as me and all the same pairings as well.

It was weird, but cool. So we exchanged IM addresses and started chatting. It turned out she's not my long lost twin, but we must be related some how. She's a few years older than me, but her birthday is 2 days after mine and we have a huge number of similarities. I think the whole situations is hilarious!
We both have a propensity for crushing on much older actors as well, Hugh Laurie, Liam Neeson, Mark Harmon and various others. We were on the same wave length so much during our conversation that we would make comments about the same thing at the same time, or answer a question before the other asked it. I seriously think it was appropriate that we ended up playing the X-files theme about half way through our conversation.

This night has been way weird, but I'm really glad I decided to make my introduction post on that community tonight.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Possibly the two most different courses of study on the planet

Yeah...I'm weird. I'm getting a B.F.A in Writing and get teaching certification and then I want to work toward getting my Masters in Criminology. Those two courses of study are possibly the most different in the world. In one case I want to write and teach and in the other I want to carry a gun and hunt down the bad guys in the world.

I guess I've just seen one to many bad thing happen in the world. I feel like I can't just sit back and do nothing. I want to teach and help students, but at the same time it feels like that won't ever make a real impact on the world. That's probably not true, but it's how I feel.

For a long time in my life there have been two things that I really loved and wanted to do. I wanted to teach and become a published author, that's just the things that seemed important to me. Over the past few years the idea of law enforcement really took on another part of my mind. The truth is that the idea of police work, on a small scale, doesn't really appeal to me. The idea of working with a federal agency is appealing though.
Because of that I'm trying to take some of the basic Sociology courses while I'm getting my B.F.A. so that when I go on to get my Masters I won't have many prerequisite classes to catch up on. I'm also going to work on Krav Maga quite a bit and hope to get to an advanced level and study a couple of languages.

I have a feeling it'll take a few years to get where I want to be, but I'm young. I have time to reach my goals, but that's no reason to put off planning out what needs to be done to get there. I'm already looking at which colleges I would like to go to for my Masters. I figure during my Junior year as an Undergrad I will need to start applying or at least inquiring about programs.

I would have though that my parents would think this dream was crazy, but they've been surprisingly supporting of my goal in life. My dad is even making plans to take me the shooting range so I can begin learning gun safety and marksmanship. My mom is offering to buy me books on criminology so I can begin some outside reading, just for fun.

It's nice to have dreams, I'm glad that mine seem within my grasp.