Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year's resolution

We all make them, don't lie I know you made one this year. I also know that you probably haven't followed through on more than 10% of the resolutions you've made. How do I know this? Because it's the same for me...actually my percentage is probably lower. Don't feel bad, we all do it.

My problem is generally that I aim way to high with my resolutions. World domination is not a practical New Year's resolution and I know does another one of my friends, yet he continually makes that resolution. Also becoming a millionaire or writing the next great American novel are both resolutions that put just a little too much stress on me and therefore they never get done. Instead they are shoved into the back corner of my mind until the next New Year's eve when they are dragged out and I make myself feel horrible because I couldn't even manage one measly thing that I really wanted to do and I had a whole year.

This year was different, much to my surprise. I made my resolution last year and it was a wish that I would finally be in a good relationship with someone who adores me as much as I adore her. Crazily enough, a resolution that I thought was too good to come true, is true this year. So YAY!

This year though I'm going to practice being an underachiever with my resolution. Instead of swearing that I will accomplish some huge goal this year, I'm resolving that I will take all my goals and stop trying to accomplish them all at once. I'm young, I'm creative and I have plenty of time to accomplish my dreams. So it's time to concentrate on 1 or 2 of these goals I have for myself and leave the rest for later.
Hell, I'll only be 22 or 23 when I get my first degree, there's time to get another and time to try out all sorts of job options. Of course I don't relish the idea of being a starving artist, but I'm sure I can find some jobs to tide me over in my ongoing search for my dream job.

I'm ready for a less stressful new year. I hope to get some things right this year and get 1 or 2 things done, but not too many.

Here's to the underachievers, it may take us longer, but we can reach the top eventually.

Friday, December 25, 2009

3 month anniversary

So my girlfriend and I can not be together for our anniversary yet again. I fully intend to make up for that when she gets home from her winter vacation. We've been together for 3 months now and I feel kinda sappy (just like last month) to be celebrating that fact. The honest truth though is that I celebrate each and every day that we are together. She is undoubtedly the best thing to happen to me in a very long while.

Ma Cherie, I can't wait to see you again!

Monday, December 21, 2009


I was just reading my previous post and it occurred to me that I ended it a bit abruptly. Sorry, I was in a hurry to get to the mall when I was typing the last bit.

I'm not about to make any abrupt, crazy changes to my life. I just know that I need to start consider things and not trying to ignore them. I've been pushing anything uncomfortable to the side and not wanting to think about the future, because it honestly scares the shit out of me.

I guess I'm sort of reminded of this shirt from Questionable Content when thinking of my life.

It's the honest to god truth. I've made bad decisions, I've put off acting like an adult and now I have to lay down in the bed I've made. I'm scared stiff.

I have dreams, things I really truly want to do with my life. If I don't do these things I know in the end I will regret not at least trying. At the same time, these dreams would take me away from someone that I am falling for more and more each day. I have different advice from all my friends on the subject, but I have to make decisions for myself and stop leaning on other people to make decisions for me.

I don't know why life has to be so confusing, but it is and I want so badly to make the right decisions. The decisions that will make me happy, but there are so many conflicting things that I want in my life.

So that's the story, it's gonna be difficult, but I hope that I can pull through.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Brittany Murphy dies at 32

What is it with the famous all keeling over this year. My girlfriend wondered who would be the next 2 to go out, since dying in threes is all the rage this year. The funny thing is that, while none of those who have died (Brittany being the exception) were extremely young, but their deaths got me thinking about my life in general.

Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, and Brittany Murphy were icons while I was growing up. I remember them from movies, music, television and commercials. I watch Clueless religiously in Elementary school. I think it's a bit of a shock to find these people dying during my life time. They always seemed...timeless I suppose.

I started thinking this morning after I read about Murphy's death. She was only a year older than my brother when she died and here I am doing NOTHING with my life. I could die, it happens everyday to people my age and younger. The possibility is there. Sure, the people I know would miss me, would be sad, but would anyone else care? I have to start living my life and as much as I hate it, it also means I have to start acting like an adult. The future can't be paused for me until I'm ready for it.

I don't know exactly what this "epiphany" will do for my life, but I know something has to change.

Happy Birthday to You!

Just posting to say happy birthday to my friend over at The Conservative New Ager, we may not always agree on everything (though we do agree on more things than most people would think), but he is still my friend.

Happy Birthday, even if your birthday is at a sucky time of year. Even if you only get enough presents for one of the celebrations, I'm sure you will still enjoy it!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Christmas illness

So Christmas is coming up and more people in my family are sick. Everyone in my family has had H1N1 so far this year...I only had to for a couple of days...I'm not entirely convinced that was what I had, but my mom thinks it was and Doctor mom knows best I suppose.
I don't know if somehow they got H1N1 again or if this is the regular flu, but at least 3 people have fevers and my dad might have a fever, but he's too stubborn to actual let mom take his temperature so we aren't sure.

I'm currently barricaded in my room avoiding the germ ridden masses. If they get to really feeling bad I might be convinced to take care of them, but for now I have no intention of getting sick. I'm only going downstairs for food occasionally. Otherwise, I'm locking myself in for a Supernatural marathon on my laptop and texting my girlfriend.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Christmas exchange

My girlfriend is leaving tomorrow to visit some friends and family in another state for Christmas. I know I've mentioned this before. Because of this we had a gift exchange Wednesday night at her house. She liked her gift, for which I was very glad. I gave her a claddagh necklace which symbolizes love, friendship and loyalty, these are usually rings used in Ireland, but I love the meaning behind them and I didn't really think a ring was the right way to go. I also made her a blanket to keep her warm on her trip.
She got me a couple of very nice things, my favorite though, was this t-shirt. It's a character from a webcomic we both read, YU+ME. You should check it out, it's an interesting comic filled with strange ideas and plots and it's easy to get wrapped up in.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


My girlfriend's other present got here today, I've yet to go get it from the mailbox down the street though. My dad has the only key to the mailbox and he's out of the house for next 45 minutes to an hour. I really want to see if it looks at good as it did on the website.

I must admit, that I'm really not certain whether she will like it or not. I don't think she'll hate it, but I'm not sure the meaning of it for me will translate well for her. I also don't want to go into some long explanation about what it means, but I suppose a little explanation couldn't hurt.

I'll let people know how she liked it next time I post, which probably won't be until Friday afternoon because I will be going out of town on Thursday morning with my family. (Yes, they finally decided when to get the tree). I can't say what it is yet, because she sometimes reads my blog and she can't know her presents until I give them to her tonight. Hey, if she can be secretive about gifts so can I.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Indecisive people!

There is nothing I hate more than the aforementioned thing. I want to have things planned in advance, as I know I've said before. I get very stressed out when things are concrete and people continue changing plans right up until the moment things have to be finalized.

Unfortunately, I have a family who likes to do things like pack up the car for a camping trip and not know where we are going to camp. A family that says "we are going to get a Christmas tree" but doesn't tell me when so I can make plans. In fact, if they do tell me a time and I make plans for after that then they change plans so that they conflict with my own.

I'm pissed off if you can't tell. My girlfriend is leaving soo and she won't be back for nearly 3 weeks. I'm gonna miss her like crazy, but I know she needs to see her family back home and I don't mind. If I was out at home I would seriously consider trying to spend the holidays with her, but that's just not a practical idea right now. So I'm not pissed off at her, I'm pissed at my parents.

So I made plans with my girlfriend to spend the night at her house, then my parent's move their plans for getting a Christmas tree. 'Okay, I can still stay over, but I have to leave early' I think, that is doable, not fun, but doable. Then they might be going on the weekend instead of Thursday. 'Okay, that's better' I think ' I can stay the whole day with my girlfriend instead of leaving early'. Then they go back to the original plan.

At which point I say that they should just tell me what they decide, as my opinion doesn't seem to matter much anyway. My dad tells me not to have a bad attitude and I respond by telling him that I do have a life outside of their plans. He tells me "no you don't", he was joking, but it rubbed me the wrong way.

I do have a life and I told him so. I made plans long before they made theirs and I'll be damned before I let them destroy my plans for theirs. At this point I just want to stay home while they get the Christmas Tree. It would be more enjoyable...

Hallelujah! The final meme post and Finals.

Finals are finished, you can hear the chorus of angels singing an Aria for me can you not? So now on to the lovely time I'm going to have finishing Christmas shopping, filling out college transfer applications and working on my writing portfolio.

My English teacher from senior year told me that, for the analytical part of my portfolio, I might want to think about writing a new paper on a new book. So I'm going to toy with a few ideas over the next couple of ideas. The latest classic that I read was Phantom of the Opera and I have more than a couple of ideas for how to write a pretty interesting paper about that. I may need to find a copy of the DSM online for part of it though...Eric needs to be diagnosed seriously.

Now I just have to figure out some way to keep updating this blog, though I think there are a total of 2 people who read it....oh well, it's fun to write about random things for a few minutes a day.

This is the last topic for the 30 days meme, the post was supposed to be about anything I wanted which worked out nicely I think. Like I said, now it's up to me to find something to talk about... which could be...interesting to say the least.

Hopes for the next 365 days

So I'm skipping two of the prompts for this meme, because they are horrendously boring. No one wants to here about my last month or year, I can assure you.

So instead I am going to talk about what I hope will happen between now and December 14th of next year. I would like to get excepted at one of my top choices for University and concentrate more on my writing and photography. I want to figure out what path I want to take in life, which is a pretty tall order to carry out in 365 days, but at the least I would to know exactly what my major is and what sort of job I want to have.

I'm the kind of person that likes to have things planned. I don't like doing things off the cuff, it stresses me out. Unfortunately I come from a family who loves to "go with the flow" and "just see what happens" it drives me bonkers.

In the next year I would like to come to a place where I am not constantly questioning my future, myself or my relationships. This is also a big thing, but a girl can dream big can't she?
It's just that all this questioning is hard to keep up with and don't get me wrong, I adore my girlfriend and she is the most amazing person in the world and one of the most (if not THE most) important person in my life, but sometimes it seems that our dreams and plans for our lives are just completely at odds with one another. I think that with time we could work things out, but with transfer applications beginning to be due and next fall looming, it certainly seems sometimes that we don't have enough time.
I try not to think about it too much and just enjoy the time we spend together now.

The next 365 days will probably be even more stressful than the last set, but it should prove interesting.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

My week , in great detail

Geeze, these posts have been boring lately... Finals ate my brain...

So this week has been hella stressful, from finishing my anthropology final to finishing my History paper and studying for finals.

Monday I had my oral exam in French class, which in hindsight sounds kinda dirty, though that could just be my pervy brain at work again. Tuesday my history class had presentations and I had to study in Geology for my section 4 test on Thursday. I had lunch with my friends and then took my Geology lab final in the afternoon. After that I went home and strangely enough I don't remember what I did.
I slept very late on Wednesday and then went to class, studied about witches in Anthropology and
took had a review/party in my French class as well as doing a presentation on French Christmas traditions.
Thursday I woke up late, because I was up late finishing my paper and I did my presentation on John Locke for my History class and then took a test and then went to Geology class and took another test. I then hung out with my friend Chris for quite a while and the details of the rest of hte day are in my previous post. Friday I did mostly nothing, cleaned the house, watched Youtube videos and filled out a college application.
Today my friend Chris came over so we could goof off and work on his Anthropology final paper. I talked to my girlfriend through text messages for a while and that communication helped a lot of things that had been troubling us both for a while, so I'm feeling quite happy. I just washed the dishes and now I'm going to call my girlfriend.

Have a nice night y'all!

Friday, December 11, 2009

shameless promotion of my friend's blog

He's cool, he writes about politics and some might think that our views don't mesh and wonder why we haven't killed each other yet.

Shh! I didn't tell him I was going to promote anything! He's gonna kill me if he finds out.

The Blog

My day, in great detail

Prepare to be bored to tears. It's finals week, nothing I do is interesting.

I was up till an ungodly hour this morning finishing a paper for my history 101 class and putting the finishing touches on my final (which is a paper) for my Anthropology 214 class. I slept in an hour and a half, awakening at 9:30. I had to rush to get ready for my history class at 10:00 and even then I was still 10 minutes late. Luckily I didn't miss much and I was able to turn in my paper, do my presentation on my paper and take my test for this section all in short order. I was out of the class by 11 and heading to my geology class after getting some serious Caffeine action at my college's cafe.

My Geology test went well, I did much better than I expected I would. Still, I will only get a C in the class overall, I would have to get a high B on the final to bump my grade up a notch. The final is optional, all things considered it's not worth my time even taking it. Considering the abysmal grades I got on half the tests in that class I would not make a good showing on the final.

After the test I met up with a couple of friends in the student union and ate lunch with them while we watched some VERY strange Youtube videos. I was supposed to go with a friend to a clinic today, but he had to cancel the appointment. Lack of money...which sucks so much all things considered. Planned Parenthood charges through the nose for blood work. I hung out there for a while and made some plans for winter break, including a camping trip on the 26th. (We will all freeze to death... -_-)

After my friends left my dad picked me up and we went downtown to pick up my sister from school. We came home and I slept for a while and then had dinner while watching Hannity with my mom, she loves Fox news...I am...neutral on the subject for the most part. Something my girlfriend does not understand at all. They aren't all crazy at fox, just some of them.

I then went up stairs and watched some old cartoons, played on facebook and talk to my girlfriend and a few other friends. I then laid down in bed to sleep, but ended up listening to Christmas music and angsting about college decisions and other such related things.

Now I'm up typing this, but I'm finally feeling tired. I think once I post this I'll go to bed.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

2 Youtube videos, for yesterday and today

Whoops I forgot to update yesterday so you get two videos today. Yesterdays topic was a youtube video and today's topic was whatever I felt like and I'm feeling lazy so I'm repeating yesterdays.

Without further ado here are two of my favorite youtube videos.

The NaNoWriMo Song

Damn you, Batman

Here's an extra that always make me giggle

I Feel Pretty

Monday, December 07, 2009

A website

Whenever I'm feeling low and need a little time to just not think about anything and laugh a bit, this is the website I go to. It's a hilarious little site that makes fun of the bad english translations that are often found in asian countries. You should really check it out.

A recipe

My favorite recipe in the world for chocolate chip cookies is this one right here. Not much to say about it, except that it helped me find the secret to making cookies chewy and that's just amazing!

Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies

A hobby of mine

You get three posts today guys, because I got behind on my posting while I was at my girlfriend's house.

So, one of my favorite hobbies...

I suppose I'll just go with writing. I've loved writing for a very long time and it's one of the things that got me through some very bleak times in High School. I escaped into a world where all the problems could be solved by deux ex machina of my design and it was usually quite useful for me as a way to work out my own problems.

I have a few pieces of work posted at FictionPress if you would like to see some of my writing.

Friday, December 04, 2009

A talent of mine

I'm just going to say singing, though I haven't practiced in ages. My voice instructor from back in Arkansas would have my head for that. She always said that I had a good enough voice to sing professionally and that would have been nice I guess, but I never put enough time into practice or learning to write or read music. I can't even play an instrument, so singing is probably one of those things that I can do really well, but will always be relegated to things I do for fun, not a job.

Which is really kind of a shame, if I could sing for my living it would be amazing. I just don't think I have the necessary connections or skills and trying to get those this late in life would be next to impossible, IMO. Maybe if I had concentrated on it more in Junior High and High School....

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Whatever tickle's your fancy

I'm going to write about something that happened at my sister's school today and how it shows my utter disdain for some of today's pop culture and the sheer gullibility of children these days.

My sister is in 7th grade, but her school runs from 1-12. She has a class or two with some 6th graders, music classes mostly. Today one of the girls had cuts on her arms and one of my sister's friends asked what had happened and the girl replied that she had cut herself. Alarmed, they asked her why she had done that.
After talking about it for a while it came out that a boy, who is a known troublemaker, told several 6th grade girls that he was a half-vampire. Of course these girls, being tweens and teens, were obsessed with the Twilight series, the popular vampire novels by Stephenie Meyer, and became very agitated and excited by what he said. These girls then cut their arms with rocks in an attempt to get him to change them into Vampires.
Feel free to read that sentence again.

Yes, I just said that a group of 11, 12 and 13 year old girls were so obsessed and in love with the idea of vampires that they inflicted self harm because of it.

This is unhealthy, I've always disliked the books because of the sheer awful writing, but this takes my dislike into pure hatred of the books.

Of course, maybe it isn't Meyer's fault. Maybe we should blame the school system for allowing children to have such easily swayed minds and an inability to think rationally. These girls believed vampires existed and something is wrong with the way schools are teaching if this is something that people can believe is real. Someone, somewhere, failed to instill an ability to be skeptical in these children's minds.

Now I don't advocate censoring books, that goes too far and who is to say where the line should be drawn. Who has the right to deem something "appropriate" or not? That would not work and should never be the case, I believe in freedom of speech and the ability to publish what you want to publish is part of that. However, I do advocate schools, teachers and parents being aware of what is popular with their students and what their children are reading and going to extra mile to read what they read or at least know what it's about and then taking the time to explain to them what is and is not real in those books and that they should not emulate everything these characters do.

These girls obviously idolize the characters and fantasy of these books. I hate to think what sort of relationships they will end up in, in the future, if they decide to emulate the actions of the main character, Bella. The books are horrible misogynistic, surprising as they were written by a woman, and more or less say that you should stay with a man even if he hurts and abuses you. You should love him anyway and never leave, not even for your own good.

The books are trite, the characters 2-dimensional at best, the writing poor and the plot over-used. It may hurt to read them, but for the sake of the kids around you at least try. Even if you can't finish them, read a synopsis and remind kids that Vampires are not real, women should not be chattle and harming themselves is not a smart thing to do. Meyer needs a wake up call if she thinks the books she wrote are good for kids and I don't know when that wake up call will come. I hope it is not in the form of a tragedy.

Ms. Meyer, you are not a credit to the writers of the 21st century. You make me ashamed to call myself a reader or writer of Fantasy, a fan of Vampire novels of any type, a writer of young adult fiction or a member any other group you may happen to associate with.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

A piece of art

So I tried to think of something interesting and "smart" to choose as my favorite piece of art. You know how it is, for some reason you want to impress people so you pick some obscure piece of art from the Renaissance and wax poetically over it.

Well in my humble opinion

Screw that.

I finally picked this piece, because not only is it the cover of one of my favorite books, by a favorite Japanese author, but it was also made by Yoshitaka Amano. He is one of my favorite artists and for those of you who are big nerds, he did all of the concept art for the Final Fantasy games. His work is beautiful, type his name into a google image search and you'll find hundreds of his pieces. This one in particular I have as a poster on my bedroom wall.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

A song that makes me cry

I can't honestly think of one that makes me cry all the time, but when I'm in the right mood a song can trigger something in me and I'll start crying. Usually it's because I'm already stressed out or distressed about something else and the song just connects with that feeling in someway.

The most recent song that managed to do this to me was Konstantine by Something Corporate. It is such a sad song, but worth a listen.

Monday, November 30, 2009

A fanfic

I struggled to find a fanfic to post here. I don't write them myself and most of the ones I read I wouldn't admit to reading. I eventually picked on that I definitely didn't think I would like.
Crossovers are not something I typically read, they are usually poorly written and contrived. However this one I genuinely like. The story is call "We shouldn't keep meeting like this" and it crosses over two of my favorite Sci-fi shows, Doctor Who and Stargate SG-1. What I love about it is that the two characters never really find out a lot about each other and the complexity of time travel confuses there stories, as one is living the "slow life" and the other is hopping through time. The first time they meet for one is actually the last time they meet for the other. Jack and Jack definitely have personalities that can clash, but also they get along quite well at times.

If you haven't watched either show then it will all go right over your head, but if you've watched the shows it's a great read.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

A Non-fiction book

Without You is the Memoir of Anthony Rapp, the original actor that played Mark Cohen in RENT. He knew Jonathan Larson well. His personal life, involving the long illness and eventual death of mother and his love life, is skilfully intertwined with the story of his acting job during the course of RENT as well as the actual story of RENT itself.

The story is funny and engaging and I found myself crying more than once over some of the stories that he tells. He is brutally honest about himself and his family, often telling stories that his family may not have wanted aired publicly.

I've actually read the book several times and the book itself has the marks of that on it. Coffee stains from coffee spilled on it in a Airport in Atlanta, Georgia and various other marks of wear and tear from carrying it with me everywhere I went for about a year.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

A fictional book

Mercedes Lackey has long been a favorite Fantasy Author of mine. Her book "Bedlam's Bard", that she co-wrote with Ellen Guon, sparked a love of Urban Fantasy for me. Previous to reading these books I had been a fan of High Fantasy, along the same vein as Tolkien or R.A. Salvatore (as I mentioned in another post).

Urban Fantasy books are characterized by the fact that they take the normal elements of fantasy (Elves, dwarves, magic, dragons and sword fighting) and place them in the rather anachronistic setting of the modern world. Fantasy has always been a sort of escape for me, a way to imagine a world where fantastic things could occur and I could dream of being a part of those adventures. Urban Fantasy simply made it easier to imagine myself in those situations.

The story of "Bedlams' Bard" revolves around the life of Eric Banyon. At one time he attended Juliard and had a bright future ahead of him as a classical musician. Unfortunately he possessed powers that he could not understand and he ended up running from his life at Juliard because of them. At the beginning of the book he is living in L.A., doing drugs, drinking and playing at Renaissance faires to make his living. His magic awakens an Elven lord who had been placed in a drugged sleep and Eric is recognized as one of the rarely born human bards. He is then of course drawn into a life or death scenario, featuring duals, beautiful Femme Fatales and of course the objective of saving the lives of all of the Elves in Los Angeles.
The story is the first in a series, which I dearly hope will be continued. The latest book of the series "Music to my Sorrow" was published in 2007 and I await another installment.

Friday, November 27, 2009


I finished. Oh yes I did. I wrote 50,096 words according to the NaNo validation tool; according to Microsoft Word it was more like 50,256, but whatever.

I'm so proud of myself. Now I just need to outline the final piece of the story and outline the rest of the subplot and write that. So I probably have 10-15k left to write, but I'll wait to do that after this semester is over. I kind of want to go back to working on a fanfiction I left hanging as well, so we'll see about doing that as a sort of break. Editing will be taking place in January or February depending on how soon I get the rest of the story written.

Whatever I want and I want to talk about my favorite musicals

Musicals have been a part of my life for a long time. When I was in elementary school, at a private Christian school (but that's a different story), we had a choir class. Ever year we had two music events, one for Christmas and one for Spring. We practiced for ages for both and we would get a break in between. For our break we would watch a musical in class, which would take several days. I remember watching Fiddler on the Roof and Sound of Music several times, I could probably sing all the songs from Sound of Music off the top of my head and it's one of the few musicals that I have absolutely no wish to see ever again as a result.

Too be honest, my two favorite musicals are two that I have only been exposed to in the last 5 years or so. The Phantom of the Opera and RENT are both relatively new musicals to be honest, though they have both had very successful and long runs on Broadway.

The Phantom of the Opera is one of the most disturbing musicals for me, simply because it very much causes me to root for the antagonist of the play. I fully believe that was Lord Webber's intent when he created the play, based off of Gaston Leroux's novel from the early 20th century. Like all of the play's created by Andrew Lloyd Webber this musical has exceptional music and and a wonderful story line that follows the plot of Leroux's book fairly well.
The Phantom, for all his faults, is a pitiable character. I get the feeling that he would have been a very different man, a genius of stable mind, if he had only been loved despite his deformities.

RENT is a story that simply a retelling of the Opera La Boheme. Despite that, the story is much more popular with many people. Of course I firmly believe it is because the story is so accessible to my generation. I think most of us can empathize with at least one of the characters in Jonathan Larson's "Rock Opera". The story is made all the more poignant by the fact that many of the people in the story are based off people that Larson knew. Larson died before his play could reach the level of popularity that it now has, his work lives on far past his own death.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

A picture taken of me recently

I'll post two of them. I don't think I'm very photogenic, but they don't look too bad.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

On a side note

Wordle: two month

This has nothing to do with my other posts for that livejournal meme. I just wanted to take the time out of my schoolwork and writing to say that today is the 2 month from the first date that my girlfriend and I ever went on. I know I'm silly and sentimental, but given that fact I feel extraordinarily grateful that we have made it this far.

A picture of me taken 10 years ago

I don't have one of these, so you'll have to settle for one taken about 6 years ago when I was in 7th grade.

She's dead!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A picture I took

That is a very vague request and I've taken lots of pictures, so I'll share one that I really really really liked even if it does look really silly.

Fun times at Disneyland for my Senior trip. My best friend, Cindy, (crazy girl in the picture) and I spent way to much time riding the kiddy rides, but it was ridiculously fun and I got her a hat (seen in picture) for her birthday present.

Monday, November 23, 2009

a photo that makes me angry

It's technically the 23rd, so I can post now since I'll probably forget later today.

This picture pisses me off, because it just shows the ability for groups like WBC to brainwash the young.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

A photo that makes me happy

Umm, here goes. I guess this is a picture that makes me quite happy when I look at it.

I've loved it ever since I first took it. This trip to Colorado was one of my favorites and the scenery never fails to inspire me when I'm in a writing slump.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Write about whatever I want

That's today's sharing topic, so here goes.

I guess I will write about one of my great dreams, though it may be unattainable.

Ever since I was about 13, I've dreamed about living New York. I was in love with the city for a variety of reasons and most of them to do with various books I had read and the idea of Broadway and Times Square and the shear size and excitement that I was sure I could find in that city. Can you really blame me? I spent the early years of my life in Fort Smith, Arkansas after all. I wrote my first blog on this site, sitting at my dad's computer in my family's office on a street in that town and let me tell you something, there is no glitz and glamour to living in Arkansas. We never got attention that other cities in other states got and it frustrated me to no end.

New York was the epitome of all that was exciting and fashionable and fast paced. There are huge universities, artists and designers and authors make there home there and I had this dream, especially after my voice instructor commented on my voice, of singing on Broadway. I wanted to sing and act, I wanted to be Christine in a production of Phantom of the Opera. I wanted to be a famous writer (a dream I've not quite give up on).

I've really let my voice go in recent years, I no longer have a voice tutor and I don't think I've actually sung scales in 2 years, much less practiced difficult songs and worked on my vocal range. It's probably not too late, but it's certainly true that making the choice for that sort of career would take a lot of backtracking and a lot of hard work. Writing is still something I want to do and I practice when I can, that would be the whole reason behind doing NaNoWriMo this year.

I suppose I would still like to live in New York, despite what I say to my girlfriend about hating cold weather (I'm like a lizard, cold-blooded). I visited New York once and it left me wanting more. The subways and museums, the little restaurants tucked into little corners on streets, the cemeteries and parks and barges and even the crowds and noise all just call to me. I want to go back there someday, someday soon I would hope. I have yet to live in a place that called to my, for lack of a better word, soul more than New York City. I've met others that can't stand the city, but I agree with Cole Porter's song. I happen to like New York.

Favorite Quote

This was yesterday's question, but once again I was unable to post on time. I was at my girlfriend's house and she doesn't remember the password for her wireless, you get two today as well.

My favorite quote is actually is from the preface of the book Les Miserables. I think it pretty much speaks for itself.

"So long as there shall exist, by reason of law and custom, a social condemnation which, in the midst of civilization, artificially creates a hell on earth, and complicates with human fatality a destiny that is divine; so long as the three problems of the century - the degradation of man by the exploitation of his labor, the ruin of women by starvation, and the atrophy of childhood by physical and spiritual night - are not solved; so long as, in certain regions, social asphyxia shall be possible; in other words, and from a still broader point of view, so long as ignorance and misery remain on earth, there should be a need for books such as this."

Thursday, November 19, 2009

My favorite Book

I'm going the cheat here and just use a whole series, but I can't pick just one of the books, they were just all too awesome!

My favorite series of books is The Legend of Drizzt by R.A. Salvatore. I picked one of these books up from my either the library or my brother's book shelf, I can't remember which, but I will be eternally grateful that I did. I love the characters, the story lines, the action scenes (which are so well described that I feel like I'm watching a movie, not reading a book) and the intricate way the plot winds in and out and revisit past characters and story arcs through out the series.

As for classic novels, I would like to say a few words for The Phantom of the Opera, by Gaston Leroux. I was once told that it was not a very good book and I didn't actually pick it up until a few days ago as a result of that, but since I did I haven't been able to put it down, much to the disappointment of my NaNoWriMo wordcount. I'm going to finish typing this, hide the book at the bottom of my backpack and get back to work now!

Favorite TV series

I was to tired to write this last night, so you'll get two today.

I had a lot of trouble coming up with this one, I've watched a lot of television series, usually on dvd. However I finally decided, it's one show that, while occasionally Cliched, I've always loved watching.

My dad got me hooked on Sci-fi TV shows and while I never shared his enthusiasm for sci-fi novels, we definitely enjoy watching the shows. Stargate SG-1 was probably the first television series that I watched, it's been around a long time and I started watching the show when I was 15 and had to play catch up with the series. Yeah the show gets repetitive sometimes, but the story idea was really creative and I enjoyed watching a show that combined my love of Sci-fi with my love of Mythology. All things considered I can say that my love for mythology was not nearly as large as it was when I started to watch the show and the show caused me to want to research the myths behind the different "gods" of the show.

The puppet scene from the 200th episode
just...don't ask...

The star trek scene from the same episode

Once again...don't ask, just watch and laugh.

Stargate: Resident Evil

The 200th episode was gold

yeah...there's a bunch more, just youtube Stargate SG-1 200th epidode

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Favorite movie

And the meme continues!
Today's topic is my favorite movie.

That's actually a really hard choice, I've like many movies, but I'm trying to think of one that I can watch over and over again. I eventually chose three, sorry. I'm indecisive and I love all three of them so much, I can watch them over and over again and never get tired of the stories.

The first of these (at least on the time line of when I saw it) is The Princess Bride. It's cheesy, it has a corny romantic story line and it's not like it's a story line that hasn't been done before. However, it has some of the best lines and characters of any movie ever. The movie has me laughing out loud one moment and on the edge of my seat the next. The way the movie switches from the fictional story to the "real" story of the sick grandson is great as well, though I've had friends who say they find it annoying.
I can unabashedly say that Inigo is my favorite, with Fesik as a close second.
The infamous rhyming scene

The next favorite of mine is Batman Begins, in my opinion one of the best superhero (okay I know he's hasn't got special powers) movies in my life time . Spiderman let me down, Daredevil was a crying shame and I'm not even going to try to think of any others (Okay, so I liked Iron Man, but not as much). This movie just hit all the right buttons for me as a geek. Seeing the creation of Batman, so to speak, was what really clinched the deal for me. I was not a big fan of Katie Holmes in her part to be honest, but Morgan Freeman, Michael Cain, Liam Neeson, Christian Bale and Gary Oldman made the movie amazing. I can watch this one over and over again as well.
Finding the batcave

My last favorite would be Serenity, the sequel to Joss Whedon's, sadly cancelled, Firefly. I only was made aware of this series and movie last year, but I've watched the movie several times since then. Summer Glau is an amazing actress and her job at portraying the severely mentally damaged River Tam is spetacular. I'm a fan of Sci-fi, any of my friends can tell you that. I fan girled over meeting Brent Spiner last year and was severely disappionted that I did not get to meet Wil Wheaton. I had a crush on Harrison Ford as Han Solo for years, much to my embarrasment, but this movie ranks right at the top of my list of favorite Sci-fi movies, just as Firefly ranks up at the top of the list of Sci-fi series. Watch it if you've never seen it!
Serenity trailer

So there you have it. I couldn't pick just one, get over it.

Monday, November 16, 2009

one question a day about myself answered.

A friend of mine over on Livejournal, whose life has a tendency to revolve around LJ to be honest, loves to email me about all of the memes she takes part in. I don't normally take the time, but this one seems like fun and I need to have a little bit of writing outside of NaNoWriMo. This is not Livejournal obviously, but I don't post there often and I like my blog better. So here goes several questions of completely random observations about me and my favorite things. I'll post one a day for now, since I'm still busy with NaNo. Feel free to post back your own... if the posting feature is working the way it's supposed to be.
These question memes spread like wildfire over at LJ and this is not the first time Slash has tempted me with one, but I've finally given in. Will I go to hell for this? Maybe...

My favorite song

For a long time I don't know if I could have answered that question, but over the years I keep returning to one song in particular. The first time I heard Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls, I was watching and anime music video and I've since listened to it dozens of times. I love the sound of the song and the story the lyrics put before the listener.

I will classify myself as a hopeless romantic easily and this song portrays many of my feelings about love, especially for me as a lesbian. The lines of the chorus

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Are something that I feel perfectly sum up my feelings on what it feels like to be in love. No matter how bad the world gets, that one person will always know the real you and that's really the only thing you need in a world that's broken.

Youtube video
unfortunately I can not find the original AMV that I watched along with it, which was part of the reason I adored it to begin with. *le sigh*

Friday, November 06, 2009

too tired to blog

I fully intend to start blogging more regularly and I already have 2-3 good ideas for blogs, though I never put much research into mine like some people do. It's mostly just my opinions. So once I can actually consider writing something other than my NaNoWriMo novel, I fully intend to post on a few topics. Off the top of my head I can think of 2.

Cultural, Historical and Religious Relativism. Trust me I have a lot to say on this topic. Mostly as a direct result of a few choice news stories, my anthropology class and my history class.

The vote in Maine taking down gay marriage in that state. I'm pissed off and justifiably (I think) and understandably so.

Martin Luther's Anti-Semitism. I did a paper and presentation for history class and that's one topic I'd like to take further.

The way our society perceives the way women dress and violence towards women.

I have a few others, but my brain is exhausted from getting to 10,207 words for NaNo today.


Monday, October 26, 2009

NaNoWriMo, spending quality time with my amazing girlfriend and dealing with small acts of homophobia.

I got to spend the weekend with my girlfriend and it was the most amazing weekend I've had in a very long time. We went to a the State fair Friday night and to a Hockey game Saturday. Surprisingly enough I really enjoyed the Hockey game...I am becoming more and more lesbian as the days go by *laughter*.
Sunday we rode the bus up to a park to meet with a bunch of other NaNo writers. We had an awesome time eating lunch and generally being wacky. You get a bunch of writer's together (which is like herding cats, since we are all such hermits) and strange events and conversation will ensue. After that we rode the bus down to a bookstore for a meeting I had to go to for the anime convention I'm staffing for. We had some mishaps finding busses and some long waits, but both were worth it just to be able to spend time with each other without other people bothering us.

My plot for NaNo is slowly starting to coalesce. I bought a GLBT young adult fiction yesterday at the bookstore. It's name is Crush and I'm reading that as well as re-reading Annie on My Mind. Hopefully both of those will help me get a feel for the voice I should use in this attempt. I'm hoping to actually finish this story and maybe even get to editing it. I actually feel strongly about this story line and if it's good enough I would really like to submit it to a publisher.

You know what's funny about being a lesbian is the fact that I've never personally dealt with homophobia towards me personally...not really any way. Sure I've heard the slurs and heard my parents say some not so nice things here and there. I've read the news stories, supported the hate crime bills and debated online with people, however the feeling you get in those situations is much different than the one you get when it's directed at you specifically.

Saturday afternoon my girlfriend and I walked a mile or so to a grocery store to get a bus pass for me and some cookies for the potluck picnic. As we walked I grabbed her hand out of habit and as we walked along we were honked at numerous times, looked at strangely at intersections and were shouted at by people in passing cars.
She told me that she'd never had that problem before in her neighborhood and we sort of laughed it off when she told me that it must mean that people think I'm cuter than her. We didn't really change the way we did anything, we kept holding hands. In fact we didn't do much hiding of our relationship at all the whole weekend, which was refreshingly freeing for me. We really needed this weekend.

On the way back to her house we held hands most of the way, except for when we saw two guys heading the opposite way and we stopped till they had passed. I understood the reason for doing so and I don't mind, but it just frustrates me.
If one of us had been a guy there would have been no need to seperate and no one in those cars driving by would have had an issue with us. No one would have felt the need to react in any way what-so-ever and that is what pisses me off. I hate not feeling sure of how I should introduce us. I guess it's a case-by-case sort of thing, but really how do you tell whether a person is going to react badly to me saying, "Hi, I'm Meredith and this is my girlfriend...". I don't want to make what we have purely private. We are dating when no one is around, but just friends in public. That doesn't fly for me or for her. I'll just have to grow a thicker skin.

However, despite everything I'm kind of glad this happened. It gave me a personal insight into how that sort of reaction feels and considering the book I am trying to write, that will be of use to me.

So in short, I had a magnificent weekend which will be repeated soon I hope. Next weekend will be filled up by staffing Sabotencon in Mesa. It will be 3 days of lost kids, "lost my badge...and my ticket, can I get a new one?", and fangirls harrassing Steve Blum and Vic Mignogna. I hope I survive...keep your fingers crossed for me okay.

Saturday, October 17, 2009


After my previous angst fest on here I figured I should write something a bit more fun.

I've been thinking of how I've never gone any major trip on my own or with just my friends. I've always been with my parents, church groups or school groups when I went anywhere for any length of time. Considering I'm 19 this is a bit ridiculous, it mostly has to do with the fact that I don't have a Driver's License. Because of this I'm giving myself a goal of January to get my license.

That's not the point of this post though. The point is I've been listening to music and the particular songs I've listened to lately have convinced me that this summer I need to take a roadtrip. I don't know where yet exactly. I have some ideas though. One of them is drive from my home town over to D.C. on the other side of the states and then maybe up to N.Y.C and then back home. Or perhaps maybe a trip through the west coast; through California, up to Washington and then back through Nevada. If I make the trip to D.C. I'll probably detour through Texas and visit my grandmother...not for long though...we only get along in small doses of a few days.

I don't want to make this trip myself. I want to take some friends, for one thing it would split the cost of gas and hotel rooms. I have a romantic notion of taking off with my girlfriend, but I have no idea what she would think of that.
As for taking friends...well Juan is pretty busy and needs to be near his mom because of her tumor. Cindy is in L.A., but I bet she'd jump on the chance to go on a roadtrip with me. Other than those 2 and Holly I can't really see myself going on a long trip with any of my other friends...I'm having issues with friendship dynamics at the moment.

Anyway, I have plenty of time to plan where I want to go and time to get a job and save up gobs of money for the trip. I also want to move out and get a car of my own...which would be a good idea if I want to go on a road trip. Of course I'll have to make sure it's in great repair. I don't want to pull a Xander on my road trip...
I think only one of my friends will get that joke...

Friday, October 16, 2009

problems dealing with life that I thought were gone

I grew up in the church, for my family it was everything. We were at church 3 times a week at minimum and sometimes even more often because of how involved my family was. My mom served on committees (we were baptists, they are more bureaucratic than the U.S. government) and my dad was a deacon at one point. My friends went to church with me, we went to church camp and VBS together. Religion and church were so intertwined with my life that it is nearly impossible to tell any major story from my earlier life without talking about the church at some point.
I hope it makes sense when I say what an issue I have with dealing with organized religion once I've given that disclaimer. When I de-converted it was one of the most harrowing times of my life. There are stages of grief that people go through when they know a loved one is going to die and I (as well as many other ex-christians) went through those exact same stages when leaving the fold.
My deconversion was further complicated by the issue of my sexual orientation, which is not entirely unique to my story. When talking to friends about my sexuality I have a habit of trivializing the impact it had on my emotional state at the time. I didn't deny the fact that I was bi-sexual or possibly a lesbian, however it did complicate issues to an even further degree. It left me at a loss as to what to do with my life and for various reasons made life more difficult for me to live, especially since I lived in Arkansas, in the "Bible Belt" of the U.S. during this period of my life.

One of the most depressing episodes of my life was 6 months before I moved to Arizona. I had just moved to a smaller town, left my friends (who consequently operated on a"Out of sight, out of mind" principle and hardly spoke to me again) and started at a new High School. Alma, Arkansas is famous for being the Spinach capitol of the world and has more churches than necessary. I could literally walk from one side of the town to the other and hardly be tired. I had no friends, I had nothing to do with my time and no one who cared. I tried to make friends, which was my first mistake.
I struck up conversation one day after a feild trip. She seemed pretty cool and we talked about religion, she was a pretty liberal methodist and wasn't really interested in religion so I told her I was an Atheist. She didn't care, just asked me about my positions on a few religious ideas. She mentioned her mom was unhappy with her cousin who had just come out as gay. The girl had no problem with it at all. Since I'd moved I'd hidden my sexuality and it was hurting me, so I told her I was Bi. She outright told me our conversation was confidential.

By the next week everyone knew and I mean EVERYONE. The teachers were pretty much the only exception or if they knew they never said anything. Luckily nothing ever got to my parents.

After that I stopped trying to make friends. The girls I had been eating lunch with were constantly trying to get me to go to church with them, so I stopped eating in the lunch room. I would grab a candy bar and go to the bathroom or library to eat. I was harrassed in my classes and in the halls by people who wanted to "help" me and consequently many of my grades dropped. Teachers did nothing, said nothing, they never said a word when kids interrupted my classwork to proselytize.
Before this I had been getting on alright. I had gotten past the stages of grief and was no longer very depressed. During these months though I steadily got more and more depressed. I began cutting, carrying a razor and bandages in my purse as well as make-up. During my lunch time I would go into one of the mostly un-used bathrooms and cut and cry. Then when the first bell rang I would bandage up my arm carefully, wash my face and then put on make-up to hide the evidence of crying. I would head to my next class, give the right answers, crack the right jokes and no one ever looked any deeper.
The cutting wasn't a cry for help and I wasn't suicidal. I never wanted anyone to find out and no one ever cared enough to notice. It's hard to explain the reasons behind cutting to someone who has never done it. For me it was a release. I had no control over the way I was treated by students, but I had control over that one little thing. I had control over how much pain I was feeling and that helped me a lot.
Suicide was not something I often considered, but it did happen. The one and only time it got further than a mental idea was about 2 months before my parent's announced our move. One day while my family was out and I was at such a point that nothing seemed to matter. My parent's were mad at my lack of religion, didn't trust me at all. My job was stressing me to a huge degree and kids at school were worse than usual. I went to the bathroom and swallowed around half of what was in a bottle of ibuprofen in my bathroom. Luckily my stomach was smarter than I was and it revolted and I spent about half an hour puking out the contents of my stomach.

The news of the move out to Arizona was what saved me. If we hadn't moved I wouldn't have survived another year at that school and I know that for a fact.
After we moved the wounds healed, literally and figuratively. The scars nearly vanished and my emotional health was at a high. In all honestly I have never been happier than I have been in these past 3 years. It's all roses, of course roses have thorns, but everyone has rough patches.

Up till last week I though my issues with organized religion were pretty much over. My parent's don't argue with me about it, they have pretty much reached the conclusion that, Christian or not, I am a pretty trustworthy and smart kid and I'm not about to do anything truly stupid. They don't try to get me to go to church and I don't make a big deal out of them going. I am usually able to stand up for myself around religious zealots and can be a complete bitch to some when necessary.

However when looking over the past 3 years I can see really what helped me gain my equilibrium back. I became an introver, more than I had been before. I kept my emotions to myself and never fully invested myself in friendships, never talked about my past or issues with anyone. I tried not to involve myself in drama and I stayed away from large groups of friends where drama was inevitable. I kept all my emotional strength for myself and it helped.

My problem now? I have friends and no that doesn't seem like an end of the world problem and I wouldn't give up the friendships for anything. However, now I have demands on my emotions. Big demands. I have to dish out my emotional reserves for friends when they have a crisis. and suddenly I find that I don't have enough for them and me at the same time.

My issues with religion are coming back, plus other issues. Last week we told our "coming out" stories in the Compass meeting. As I said before, all stories from my life are intertwined with religion, but especially that one. I was coming out as Bi-sexual the same moment as I was coming out as an Atheist. As a result my story involved both situations, though I didn't go in-depth like I did here it was enough. I was emotionally unstable afterward, but I was with my girlfriend and friends and things were okay. We were talking about inconsequential things and there was no drain on my reserves so I could re-build.
Those of you who know me well, know that Murphy's law rules my life on occasion. Also many of you know that religious types have the worst timing in all the universe. While at the park me and my friends were accosted by religious types. They were telling us the "good news" of christ and they don't understand subtle suggestions that we didn't give a fuck about their "good news". I sat there not talking and not getting involved. I held onto my girlfriend and tried not to listen, but eventually it was too much and I lashed out and stormed off. My girlfriend came after me, for which I am eternally greatful. I don't like breaking down, but doing so alone in a park is even worse.
Since this occurence I've been bitchy and irritable when it comes to anything to do with religion. Which is a bit difficult when 2 of my classes are History 101, which is all about religion, and Anthropology of Religion. I have to bite my tongue a lot in these classes. It isn't the fault of these teachers that they are tripping a switch in my head that says to go into a tirade about the bigotry and utter ridiculousness of organized religion.

I won't be attending Compass next week for this same reason. For one thing I think I need some "me" time to get my equilibrium back and our topic next week is Religion and I think my friends have enough issues with my bitchiness and violent comments that they would probably cease to speak to me if I came to the discussion.

To any of my friends that read this I just want to make one thing clear. I love all of you and I want to be there to help you when you have a problem. It's actually good for me to get out of my issues and help you. And when it comes to certain people I will always be there for you no matter how bad my day is and how tired I am. However!, I am a wimp. I'm emotionally stunted and weak and there is only so much he-said-she-said that I can listen to before you exhaust me completely. I'm emotionally tired and very bad at dealing with teasing and rough housing. I know you guys don't mean it, you all have the kinds of energetic personalities that make stealing objects, locking me out of rooms and taunting my violent comments and teasing me seem like the kind of thing you should do and it's funny I admit. However, I'm bad at reading people and seeing as you never seem to do this stuff to anyone else it logically leads me to believe eventually that I'm not wanted around at all. After a while I can't bring myself to rise to the bait anymore and sometimes I'm just gonna take off. I like spending time with you guys, but if I disappear after teasing goes on to long, just know I'm doing it for me and you. If I hang around when my emotions are frayed, I'll inevitably end up yelling or bitching you out which will lead to me being bitched out and that always leads to me breaking down somewhere by myself.

I know I'm a wimp and I know I'm too fragile for my own good and it can be annoying for me and you. I don't know how to solve that problem, realistically it will just take time. I don't know how long people can put up with my issues for though.